For anyone in the dating scene–high school, college, divorced or who has lost a spouse, please cast your vote for either (A) or (B):

(A) I want to be romantically involved with someone kind, caring, honest, pays their part of the restaurant tab, does not constantly blame or put me down, has a good relationship with friends and their own family, OR:

(B) A user, a con, twists the truth, a manipulator needing constant praise, jealous of me and my accomplishments, treats others as all good or all bad, emotional, aggressive, mistrustful, controlling, nasty to family members, creates conflict and steals from me my sense of who I am.

All those who chose (A) please raise your hands. Good. Now, those who selected (B) please step outside, and you’ll see two gentlemen in white coats who have a nice jacket (with no sleeves) for you to wear on your trip to Happy Acres Mental Hospital for People Who Keep on Finding Crazies to Date.

High conflict people have the power to do us real harm

How many times have you heard a friend say, “It seems that I am always picking the wrong kind of person to date?” Maybe you’ve even said this yourself, after coming out of a true nightmarish relationship. But what if you never allowed that first or second date to go any further?

Why is it that our internal radar – our gut feelings – which at some point say, ‘Trouble! Stay away!’ but we don’t listen? What explains this phenomenon, and is there a way to recognize those people who have the power to do us real harm emotionally and even physically?

Indeed, there is, and if ever there was a book that should be required reading at every high school, college, and given to people just divorced, who have lost a spouse, or come from a family where conflict was a daily occurrence, then “Dating Radar – Why Your Brain says Yes to ‘The One’ Who Will Make Your Life Hell,” is it.

The authors of “Dating Radar” have years of experience dealing with the damage caused by what they refer to as High Conflict People (HCP.)
Based in San Diego, they are family law attorney Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter, who spent years a family law specialist with the Administrative Office of the Arizona Supreme Court.

First few dates tell all if you are observant

So, how do you know if the person you are dating is an HCP, someone who goes from nice to nasty, and in a truly evil manner? What behaviors reveal that you are dating someone who, as Hunter puts it, “Follows the same script their entire life, first charming their victim and then creating more misery than they ever could dream possible.”

Eddy describes an HCP, emphasizing, “This is not a diagnosis. It’s a description of high-conflict patterns of behavior, and there is considerable overlap with people who have true mental health diagnoses, including narcissists, sociopaths, borderline personality, histrionic behavior and paranoia. But you can be an HCP without having true mental illness.

“These people are rigid, uncompromising, repeat failed strategies, refuse to accept a loss, and negative emotions control their thinking. They cannot examine their own behavior, are unable to empathize with others and constantly blame everyone while refusing to accept any responsibility for problems which they often have caused.”

That description of a High Conflict Person should cause anyone who gets involved with one to ask themselves “Why am I with this head case?” But wait. It gets worse.

Hunter says that, “About 10 percent of the U.S. population has a high-conflict personality, and the chances are good, Dennis, that some of your readers will see they are in or have had a relationship with an HCP.” She lists characteristics an HCP reveals as early as the first date, pointing out they are:

(1) Overly charming, try to sell themselves, put on an amazing performance,
attempt to get too close, too soon. If you describe the person to others as
“Extremely charming,” this is a huge red flag to explore!

(2) Are often described as “Too-good-to-be-true.”

(3) Want to get sexual or sensual very quickly.

(4) Are overly compatible, like everything you like and go out of their way to please you. Victims state, “I never met someone who had all the same interests I had and did everything she could to please me! At first it was fabulous, and then the real person showed her face and it was pure evil!”

(5) Talk or reveal too much about themselves.

If any of this sounds familiar, to discover how to protect yourself or get away from an HCP, then “Dating Radar” will be the most valuable book you ever read.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post Are you dating a crazy? appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

When 70 year-old Scott met 50 year-old Dora, “It was love at first sight, combined with a large dose of humor,” she said. “We were on different teams at a bowling alley, and I still remember the look on his face when he first saw me – and then how he threw a gutter ball and everyone laughed.”

That was 11 years ago. They both needed laughter, love and companionship, as each had lost a spouse due to cancer. “Despite our age difference, we decided to move in together and until the past two weeks, it has been wonderful.”

‘I Promise to Provide For You if We Ever Separate’

“We lived in my home, shared all expenses and as Scott had health issues, he asked and I agreed, to quit my job as an accountant to care for him. All our bank accounts and financial items were separate. There was no “Living Together” contract, and we never had any issues over money.

“We acted as if we were married, each of us very generous to the other and Scott promised to provide for me if we ever separated. He even told our friends that. Life together in my house was a little bit of paradise for those years together,” Dora told me over Skype, sobbing.

But fall from paradise they would, as one day Scott announced, “I’m not getting any younger and want to spend my remaining years in Texas, with my kids, but the safe and its contents are yours.”

Scott had been purchasing gold and silver for many years with a present value of about $200,000 stored in his safe.

Memory Issues – Dementia Ruled Out

Having experienced slight memory issues, Scott was evaluated and diagnosed with diabetes which was quickly controlled, ending the memory problems.

“After announcing his plans for Texas, he immediately arranged for a moving company to pick up the safe — empty and with the door left unlocked to discourage a possible burglary — and bring it to my home. The next day we put the gold and silver in the safe,” Dora related, adding:

“Then, he gave me the mover’s receipt, the safe’s combination, a goodbye kiss, and the next time I heard from him was last week on a phone call with his son, ‘Jon.’”

“We Want Dad’s Safe and Contents Returned!”

As Dora explained, “Jon told me they were planning to drive out and recover the safe and its contents, threatening, ‘Don’t give us any trouble or you will be sorry.’ Mr. Beaver, I need the monetary value of those precious metals to live. Must I give it all back?”

“Not so fast,” was the immediate reaction of a friend of this column, Plainfield, Massachusetts family law attorney Laurie Israel, author of The Generous Prenup – How to Support the Marriage and avoid the Pitfalls.

“While the couple had no formal ‘living together’ agreement – that is highly beneficial to older couples who don’t want to be married, usually for financial reasons – there is a great deal of evidence that the safe and contents were not only a gift, but compensation for Dora having cared for him these many years.”

“In the law school course Contracts, students analyze similar cases. Under several legal theories, the safe and contents now belong to Dora, based partially on her having given up a career to care for Scott. She relied on his promise to provide for her should their relationship end. It is clear that he gifted the items to her.”

What is a Gift?

Attorney Israel set out the legal elements that establish a gift, explaining the three types:

— An Inter Vivos Gift: This is a gift made during the life of the donor. These are irrevocable.

— A Gift Causa Mortis: A gift that is made in anticipation of imminent death. The transfer is usually effective upon the donor’s death, and can be revoked up until the donor dies.

— A Testamentary Gift: This is a gift distributed through a will.

Proof that a Gift was In Fact Made

The elements to prove that a gift was made include:

— Donor’s Legal Capacity: The donor must be of the majority age (usually 18 years old), and have the mental capacity and understanding that they are making a gift.

— Intent to transfer the property as a gift: This can be shown through statements, writings, or conduct. Intent also means that the donor doesn’t expect compensation.

— Delivery to the Donee: Delivery of the gift can be actual, symbolic, or implied through conduct. Physical delivery to Dora’s home plus Scott writing down the combination to the safe would lock that element in.

— Acceptance by the Donee: The donee must also accept the gift, without any coercion or undue influence.

Our Advice to Dora

Both Laurie and I agree that she should immediately rent safe deposit boxes large enough to accommodate the gold and silver. She should make a police report of the threats and retain an attorney to prepare a Stay Away order. It would be a tragedy for her to have devoted all those years to Scott only for his kids to defeat his generosity.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post Give me back my gold and silver! appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

March 5, 2016 • By Dennis Beaver

An increasing number of Americans today are online daters and many of us know someone who has found a spouse or is in a long-term relationship which began this way.

Washington, D.C.,-based Pew Research Center released a study finding that “Attitudes towards online dating are becoming more positive over time, but a significant percentage of the public views it skeptically.”

Santa Maria-based private detective Riley Parker agrees, and cautions that, “Before online transitions to going out on a real date, this is where you must be skeptical because you may not yet know who that person is in fact, only who they claim to be. As this is not like old-fashioned dating, you likely don’t know a thing about them with any degree of certainty. That means, you are at risk, emotionally, physically and financially.”

We asked Parker if he felt that dating — and establishing a relationship — was safer before the age of internet dating websites. “Yes, absolutely,” he replied, explaining two major differences in dating then and now.

“Then much of the risk in meeting the wrong kind of person had already been greatly reduced; You might have been classmates in high school or university, went to the same church, worked together, had the same hobby, and knew each other as friends well before any romantic interest developed.”

“However, the single most important difference today is the absence of friends who knew you both — and made the introduction. In modern terms, they had done the ‘vetting processes.” Interestingly, while private invetigators have always done backgrounds, before internet dating, it was rare to he hired to learn most of the things about a person that their friends, family and acquaintances already knew — and had communicated.

Today just about everyone has an online presence, “Which,” Parker observes, “is a door to discovery of what you want to know, and in some cases — if you’ve gotten too deep — what you wish had not learned. Often, the most challenging part of your research is in having proof of identity.

“Information contained in a passport, drivers license, the name on a business or credit card helps — but might not be conclusive — in establishing that the person’s real name. With what you have, the next steps are to:

Research their online presence using social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and others;

Observe how they conduct themselves with other people;

Learn who are their friends and contacts, both personal and professional.

But what if there are lingering doubts and you’re just not completely satisfied this person is who they claim to be?

“Then, research becomes even more personal, as you will need to contact some of these people yourself, or hire someone to determine who that person really is,” he notes.

“A Google search should reveal news stories, papers or articles they might have published, validate their educational claims and occupation, boards they sit on — in short, what they have done, where they’ve been, and likely, what others say about them. This will also help to locate family members — which is another area worthy of looking into if this relationship could become serious. Who and where are they? What are their occupations? Do they have a relationship with this person?”

Internet ads offer background and court record checks “In All 50 States.” But they can easily give a false sense of security if nothing negative show up, as Parker explains:

“None of the public access databases are accurate. More than half of the 44,000 courts in the United States do not report information to any data repository. In California, less than half of the 58 counties have ANY information available online.

“If you want to know if “J. Golo” has a record in Kings County, owns a home or homes, you probably need to know that his real name is “Jig Oh Low,” otherwise your research will fail.

“And if you want to know if he has a criminal record in San Luis Obispo County, you will need to hire a person to do that research. If your boyfriend was arrested there for spousal abuse, then you better know that “Oh” is his middle name and not try to find him unless you start with his correct first name.”

“A proper background, conducted by a licensed private investigator, has access to non-public data bases and sends investigators to actually search court records. The cost runs from $1,500 to $2,500,” Parker tells You and the Law.

That’s cheaper than a hospital bill or a cleaned out bank account.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post How can I find out who I’m dating? appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

Last time we told you about Hanford reader, Ted, just out of a 20-year marriage, lonely and looking for love on Plenty of Fish.com. Within minutes of logging on, he was contacted by Karen, also divorced, close to his age, and in Ted’s eyes, “very attractive.”

Karen was also a sociopath — a con artist — willing to do or say anything for the nice things that Ted’s money could buy.

“Anything? Is that what I think it means?” you might be wondering.

Within one week of their first meeting, Karen said, “Ted, we are meant for each other, and should be tested for sexually transmitted disease and see the results.”

Of course he couldn’t wait to comply, and was found disease-free.

“And her test results?” we asked.  “Oh, she told me her results were perfect.  But I didn’t see them. I trusted her,” was his response, and hearing that, the staff at You and the Law knew what would follow: a transfusion of sorts, a money transfusion, from Ted to Karen.  Ted had latched on to not just your ordinary gold-digger.

As a man with a backbone of Jell-O, Ted was soon possessed by a vampire.

Thousands on dining out, home improvement, medical bills and Pismo Beach

Over the next several months, as Ted’s infatuation grew, he would pay thousands of dollars on restaurants, improvements to her house, medical bills and accept frequent requests to “spend the weekend at Pismo Beach,” the last time so that he could “properly propose on the beach.”

She selected and he paid for an expensive engagement ring and then, immediately after that trip, out to dinner once more they went, Karen handing Ted a document to sign which contained this sentence:

 “The gift ring purchased is a love gift only, Karen may keep ring whether we marry or not. It is not an engagement ring.”

“She told me that if I did not sign the statement, we would break-up.  I did not want to lose her and reluctantly signed. Within a few days she made my life a living hell, bickering about everything and finally texted this message: “It’s all over. If you contact me I will call the police.”

The con forgot one detail

When a gift is made on condition of some event happening — such as getting married — if there is no marriage, in almost all cases, the gift must be returned. Where fraud can be established, courts will always order return of the ring and often, punitive damages.

 And that is where our charming, con-artist sealed her fate, for immediately before Ted was pressured to sign that statement, guess what Karen did?

“When the restaurant manager dropped by our table to say hi, she showed him the ring, saying that it was an engagement ring. He remembers that conversation, and will come to court to help me!”

We have encouraged our reader to file in Small Claims Court, seeking recovery of everything he paid for.

Of course, the real question boils down to, “How can the Teds of this world protect themselves?”

Perform your own due diligence

“The Internet allows you to perform a due diligence check,” advises Santa Maria based Private Investigator Riley Parker.

“Do they have a Facebook account?  Is there public information that you can look at? Type their name in a search engine. 75 percent of people will be there. You learn a lot about them in the community, what they do, their friends, interests, where they vacation.

“Go to the courthouse and see if there are civil, family law, criminal law records and a domestic restraining order.  Anyone can do this,” Parker stresses, adding, “But less than half of all California counties have this available to the general public.”

“A private investigator can legally find out an enormous amount about anyone for less than $100. Given a name and city, we can usually find the rest. With a good address, we can nail them down.  Think of the protection this provides — that small amount of money to learn who you are really seeing. This is not being disloyal!

“You have a duty to protect yourself and your family!” Parker correctly maintains.

Taking on a fatherly tone of voice, he gave this sound advice with which we at You and the Law completely agree:

“You don’t want someone you meet on line who then climbs in bed with you and tells you what size ring she wears. And you don’t want someone you meet at the local bar.

“So, rely on your social network of friends, place of worship, mutual acquaintances and work colleagues. The safest way to meet good people, is through an introduction from someone you know, trust and cares.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post How to not become a victim of the lonely hearts club appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

Recently divorced after a 20-year marriage, Ted was lonely.

At a friend’s suggestion, he registered on the dating website, Plenty of Fish.com. It was Dec. 7, a day which would become his very own Pearl Harbor.

Within minutes, he received a message from Karen, close to his age-early 50s-also divorced and “needing someone like me to establish a lasting relationship.”

While the skies above Hanford were clear that day, Ted had nevertheless become a target, not of Japanese Zeros, but dollar signs followed by ever increasing numbers and zeroes, Karen in the pilot’s seat.

“It was unbelievable.” Ted continued. “We spoke on the phone a couple of days and then met for pizza.  Here was someone who was everything that I was looking for and desperately needed. After our pizza date, we saw each other every day. She made me feel so special. I had never met anyone so interested in a guy like me, wanting to know everything about me.”

We would learn in a moment that “seeing each other,” meant just slightly more than talking about the weather.  During that first week, Karen asked our Hanford reader to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, insisting that she see the lab results.

He did, was disease free, and gave her the test results.

And her lab results? we inquired.

Oh, she had already been tested, and was also negative, but I did not see the results.

Didn’t you think that was strange?

“I trusted her,” was his answer.

As the staff at You and the Law would learn in our frustrating efforts to help Ted wake up — here was a naive, desperate man, lacking common sense and with a backbone made of Jell-O.

He became the perfect victim of a scheming sociopath and what would unfold over the next few months started with a steady diet of sex beginning 10 days from their first meeting, Karen wanting to spend every possible minute together.

Am I so special?

 “Let’s use our common sense,” warns Santa Maria based private investigator Riley Parker. “You do not know this person well and she’s climbing into your bed quickly. You have to ask yourself, ‘Am I so special that she wants me?’ ”

“The answer is No!”

“Sex is the sociopath’s lever to get their target’s compliance with whatever is desired: money, jewelry, gifts, fine dining, all depending on the target’s sophistication — the chance of the person being scammed finally realizing it,” Parker adds.

Over the next few months, Karen would receive expensive gifts, a great deal of repair work done on her house, hundreds of dollars in medical bills paid and many, many trips to Pismo Beach at her insistence.

Despite the fact that Karen’s behavior became increasingly hostile, admitting that she was on several medications for bad anxiety, and had wide, scary mood swings, six months into the relationship Ted asked her to be his wife!

“She insisted that I propose to her properly on the beach at Pismo, on bended knee, and hand me the engagement ring which she picked out and cost me over $5,500,” he meekly explained.

Within a week-after Ted suffered through repeated arguments and being called every name in the book — Karen sent him a text message, reading, “It’s over. If you contact me, I will call the police.”

And the engagement ring?

The law sees this as a “gift given in contemplation of marriage.”  So, no marriage, then the ring must be returned. Ted asked for it back.

But ever resourceful and evil, Karen had a plan for that, too.

You must mix skepticism with romance

“The most important thing to understand is that there are folks out there who are preyed on because they are lonely with some vision of what they would like to have existing in their life: A relationship, a replacement for someone they lost through death or divorce,” P.I. Parker observes.

“When targeting someone who has wealth, they will ask for a small amount of money. ‘Oh, I forgot my wallet, do you have 50 bucks?’ Quickly it will evolve to, ‘Gee I wish so much I could have that new Corvette, but it’s just not in my budget.’

“They think, ‘Here’s the guy who has made some money, and he will spend it on me. Look at me, I am one good looking dame,’ and this rich guy — often doctors — fall fast and are out a fortune. It happens often,” concluded P.I. Parker.

Next time: We will tell you all about that engagement ring and how to protect yourself or a family member from the Karens of the world, keeping far away from the clutches of a sociopath.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post Lonely? Looking for love online? Here’s what it cost Ted appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

Are you just about to click “submit” on an Internet-based “Background Search” website, checking out a possible new employee or maybe the love of your life?

We have all seen online ads, which for $20, in just a few hours time, claim to: “Accurately and reliably provide credit, information, lawsuits,  all arrests and convictions using databases from the 50 states, including felonies, misdemeanors, DUIs and sexual predators.”

Sounds like a great way of protecting yourself or your company, for only twenty bucks, right? That’s exactly what Mack thought. He is an elder in a small Central Valley church and on the selection committee for a new pastor. “We didn’t consider using a private investigator, as the online service advertised what we needed,” he told You and the Law.

It would prove to be false economy.

“One pastor impressed us so much during the interview and we were afraid of losing him to some other church. We asked him to give us 24 hours to do a background check, which we did using an online service which advertized the best database in the country and could uncover everything negative about anyone.

“Nothing bad came back, except that he did seem to move around a lot, which was explained as part of his religious devotion, and that answer pleased us all, so we gave him a yearlong contract.”

For their little church, it would prove to be a mistake of Biblical proportions.

Can’t stop talking — Spent time in jail for fraud

“With his first service, we had very bad second thoughts. He can’t stop talking — his sermons go on for almost two hours — and we discovered a nasty temper if you don’t agree with him. He will yell at you over nothing! Someone left us a voicemail that he had been arrested for beating up his wife and did time in jail!

“Hearing that, one of our members hired a private investigator and four days later we learned that the reason he moved around so much just might have had something to do with his convictions for bad checks, spousal abuse and embezzlement, not to mention being sued left and right for all kinds of things! But none of that was shown by the online service, and we feel ripped off.

“How could they have missed all that negative information?” Elder Mack asked.

Online background check services inadequate

As a private investigator and research administrator for Southern California-based Parker and Associates Professional Investigations, Jane Parker hears that same question “several times a week, when customers learn just how inadequate many of these online background check services really are.

“You cannot afford to hire or get married to trouble, and yet, so many employers — or folks with a bit of money who are about to say ‘I do’ — so often fail to protect themselves by having a comprehensive background check conducted before taking that next step. Regardless of the advertising claims, $20 often buys you a false sense of security,” she observes, explaining why:

“Less than 40 percent of courts across the nation report to various data providers. While you can run social security numbers — seeing where someone has lived for the past many years — real due diligence requires going much deeper. You have to send in researchers at the county courthouse level, looking into the court files to verify that there is nothing there which does not come up on public records.

“So, the problem with these cheap online background checks is that they tend to be strictly data driven, and unless you pay them a lot more, they do not send in actual researchers to probe at a much deeper level. This means that significant information is left out,” she stressed.

“Just because something does not come up on a public record is no assurance at all. That’s an important point to keep in mind. You cannot just trust data alone!”

Ask this question

“You must always ask, ‘Where are you getting your information from?’

“If they say ‘It is all obtained online,’ this is just an invitation to trouble. It will almost always be a less than thorough background check, and could leave you wide open for all kinds of fines and penalties under the Fair Credit Report Act and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, among others.

So, how much does it cost to have a real background check conducted and how long will it take? What will it reveal that data searches alone will not? What information must you already have before speaking with a research company? And how can you find a qualified company?

We’ll have the answers — and a very strange story — next time.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post Online background checks can be a dangerous rip-off appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

February 20, 2016 • By Dennis Beaver

Today’s story will be of special interest to anyone who is or who knows someone in a dating relationship which began online and led to personally meeting. We begin with “Three of the most important questions which must be credibly answered,” according to Santa Maria-based private detective, Riley Parker:

(1) Who am I dating?

(2) Beyond what they say, who are they, really?

(3) How can I find out?

“I Need You to Grill My Boyfriend”

At a New Year’s Eve party this past December, Jill — 36, a longtime family friend, very attractive and a highly successful architect from a wealthy family — had a request:

“I need you to grill my boyfriend. You have a way of getting people to open up about their entire lives. His name is Glen. We met online a few months ago. He lives in a different state, and we have been Skyping. When work brings him here, we spend time together, but it’s only been three times in six months, a few days each visit.

“Glen is 44, never married, and made it clear that he is seriously interested in me and wants to be married. I had two very close relationships which did not work out, and admit, at my age of 36, I’m am very worried about being alone. I really like him. He’s a lot of fun to be around, always happy and says that he will move here, but I just don’t know what to do. So, Dennis, I need your insight.”

In my lengthy conversation with Glen, at once three things became clear:

(1) He is 44, yet never had a truly positive, close relationship, “jilted by women who took advantage” of him. However, “With Jill it’s different.” Anytime we began getting close to meaningful views on life, he elegantly changed subjects, never revealing anything of a personal nature except that he felt Jill was “the one.”

(2) Glen was always smiling — to everyone — even when the topic was serious. He was the very definition of permagrin.

(3) In response to “So, how did you two meet?” his answer perpetuated the same lie that Jill had told her parents: “Through friends here in town.”

Jill explained that not telling mom and dad about meeting on line was, “Because they are from a different generation and would not understand.” As both are highly educated, work in finance and are in their late 50s, there is no way they could not have heard about online dating.

“Let’s see,” Parker commented, “He’s 44 and never had a close emotional relationship? How can that possibly be? And now, Jill is the one? Does the fact that she is highly successful and her family wealthy have anything to do with it? Moving this fast in a relationship where they have spent such a short amount of time together has all the alarms flashing Caution! You Do Not Know Who This Guy Is!

“Dennis, you have described someone who could very well be a con artist, believing that he can fool anyone. Your conversation was the time for him to be completely open and honest, because he had to assume that you would report your findings to Jill. If anything, he

“He was complicit in a lie to her parents, so what else will he lie about? He could have explained Jill’s reason to lie to her parents about how they met — but he never suspected that you knew the truth. If she hasn’t been drawn in too deeply yet, that one piece of evidence should be enough to scare her.

“She needs to realize that if he is willing to lie about a little thing — how they met — then he will lie about anything,” Parker notes, adding, “As they met online, this is the place for her to begin finding out as much as she can about Glen. Anyone in her position has something to lose, therefore Jill needs to determine:

(1) What is the true motive? Isn’t this moving too fast?

(2) What role did he play in his prior, failed relationships where he was “jilted?” For con men, it is always the other person’s fault, so ask, ‘What part did you play in them failing?’ Con artists find women who provide them a lifestyle, drain them dry and then move on to the next victim.

(3) Life is not all smiles or fun. A permagrin has lots to hide. What, if anything, is Glen hiding?

They met online, and that’s the place where Jill can begin her research. Next time, Parker tells us how to begin, where to look, and when to consider hiring a private investigator. 

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post Online dating and background checks appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

“Mr. Beaver, I always thought that I was a good judge of character, and am very trusting, but must have the word sucker in bright, neon-green, tattooed on my forehead. Constantly, I hire the wrong people to work in my accounting firm and wind up feeling very sad and alone when the women I date turn out to just be after money, gifts and weekends out of town at my expense,” “Ben’s” email began.

“You had a couple of terrific articles about how to avoid being scammed and learning how to say ‘no’ that were based on interviews with a psychology professor. I’ll bet that he would be an ideal source of pointers on staying away from the wrong people, and I imagine that there are a lot of folks like me who could use that information.”

We Aren’t Very Good at Seeing Deception

Ben is absolutely correct, and psychology professor Luis Vega of California State University, Bakersfield, puts it this way: “Research has shown that the average person can tell lies from truths at a level slightly better than by flipping a coin.

“There is a group of people who, for complex reasons, consistently make the wrong choice, failing to see and listen to what others view as warning signs which shout, ‘This Person Gives Me a Bad Feeling. Don’t Hire that Person! Don’t Take that Person as a Client and certainly don’t DATE that person!’”

As an attorney, I have found that even in my profession, with clients like Ben, lawyers often engage in victim-blaming, with a “just say no” knee-jerk response, asking, “why you did get into this relationship in the first place.”

Professor Vega looks deeper:

“The need for human connection is existential. We are social beings, needing comfort, support, love, bonding, protection, and validation from each other. People who jumped from the Twin Towers held hands. It was the last testimony to their existence and the need to be with someone in those terrifying few moments.

“As a community we ostracize and punish those who violate our shared expectations and norms. But as individuals, we are left to our own devices to spot shady characters, avoid those who may do us harm, and protect our well-being. Our defenses are not fool-proof in distinguishing friend from foe.

“Our judgment – Should I hire him? Go out with her? – is frequently influenced by wishful thinking, ignoring evidence of bad behavior, swayed by their appearance, and our own existing stereotypes and prejudices which make excuses for what later is clearly seen as unacceptable or dishonest conduct.

“The Bens of the world attract and willingly succumb to the will of those who manipulate and impress them, acting nice, using flattery, and engaging in active deception.

“So, we tend to convince ourselves of the correctness of the decision to be involved with this person and rationalize misgivings and their behaviors we do not want to see. Denial and self-delusion are huge factors which take place in our minds and our hearts, our emotions and our actions.

“But I love him! It’s love, that’s why I am here! When we say that love is blind, it really is, and obscures accurate feelings.”

The Best Predictor of Future Behavior is Past Behavior

I asked Vega, “How do we get to a situation where we once thought ‘He or she’ was the one, or, this person will make a superb vice president in charge of marketing?’

“It is by a failure to suspend skepticism,” he replied, adding, “We look at all the things that do not provide insight into who this person really is, including: Physical appearance, prestigious titles, the trappings of status, flattery and exuding confidence.

“In a job interview, the red flags include inflated qualifications, being overly confident, qualifications that do not check out, and always saying the right thing. A question that should be asked more often – and which can really save the day is – ‘What areas of improvement would you like to work on yourself?’

“If they say, none, don’t hire this person!”

“Romantically, as we are seeking a connection, we ask for trouble by overlooking evidence of their shortcomings, such as: Lying, insincerity, not keeping commitments, exaggeration, borrowing money, manipulation or bringing fear into the relationship.”

We all know the saying that a leopard does not change its spots. To Vega, this translates as “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.”

So, how can we discover those things in their background that spell trouble?

“You’ve got to do a proper background check,” Vega underscores. This means checking references, college degrees, past employment and never trust before you verify!”

In my law practice, I tell vulnerable clients to first ask the person for permission to do a background check on them using their driver’s license, passport, or other means to check them out. Someone legit may be surprised at the request but should cooperate fully, especially if they have spoken in terms of a future together.

But if they refuse, you have two choices that every private investigator, cop and divorce lawyer I’ve spoken with recommends:

1. While they are sleeping, use your cellphone to take screenshots of their driver’s license, passport and medical insurance cards – anything that can be the basis for a detailed search of their criminal or civil litigation or employment history.

2. Pull the plug on the relationship immediately, because a lack of transparency in a relationship means there never was one to begin with.

Go Slow!

So, what is Vega’s best advice for any interpersonal relationship, be it romantic or employer/employee?

“Go slow. Never trust before you verify. Be aware that the ideal sucker is someone with a low self-esteem who doesn’t feel they merit a good person in their life. They telegraph vulnerability and smiley is always out there, picking up on these signals.

“Your best defense is in knowing as much as you can about this other person. Know yourself, your weaknesses, and find out as much as you can about the other person before you get involved.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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“I would like you and your wife to meet my girlfriend, ‘Donna,’ this Saturday, dinner, my treat, Italian,” said “Tom,” who practices law in Southern California and has been a great resource for this column. “She is just amazing! You’ll really like her.”

Six months earlier, they were introduced by a group of “matchmakers” from their church. Romance moving at a fast pace, Tom’s voice conveyed, “She could be the one.”

But this was more than just a social invitation. 62 years of age, twice divorced in marriages he knew should never have been, there was good reason to fear a third failure.

At this stage of life, any successful person has a great deal to lose, and Tom needed Donna grilled, in a friendly way. Who better than a trial lawyer columnist and his paralegal wife.

Grilling is our specialty, something like performing an autopsy on a person when they are still living, and giving him our opinion, as he doubted his own judgment about women, and when to walk away.

“When you are lonely and can’t say no, Sucker is tattooed on your forehead,” my wife told Tom, days after that dinner. “No matter how long you look at yourself in the mirror, you will never see it. But it flashes like an LED sign to someone looking for a good catch.”

As managing partner in one of California’s premier law firms, Tom would be a great catch.
“I cried every day — for 10 years — in my first marriage,” Donna stated, after discussing their three children. Why would you remain married and then have three kids if you were in tears every day? — Red flag #1 appeared.

Then, another comment, “All of my children are financially independent at the moment,” as if to communicate, “Oh, don’t worry, dear, I will never ask you to support my kids.”

My wife noticed that Donna kept squeezing Tom’s hand which was on the table, a sign of ownership; “He’s mine. Don’t interfere!” — Red Flag#2.

We did not have to. Her past did, discovered by a private investigator, after a stunning admission.
“I need to tell you something I am embarrassed about that happened long ago,” Donna volunteered to Tom, earlier. “I was working for adult services in a small Northern California county, helping to care for the elderly, bringing them food, visiting homes every day and just being a friend to these lonely people.

“Many of them asked me to run errands, help with their banking, and so on. I billed the county for my time doing these things, never thinking that it was beyond what I was hired for. They considered it theft, and I was charged with a felony. But I paid the county back, the charges were reduced to a misdemeanor, and I never went to jail.”

To Santa Maria private detective, Riley Parker, “This is the perfect example of ‘I’ve confessed, I admitted my mistake, it’s done and behind me. Now, he will not look any further.’

“But, remember,” cautions Parker, it was her version of the facts. There’s her version of the truth, and then there is the real truth.

“To protect yourself, regardless of your age or who you are dating, when someone gives you a clue into their prior bad behavior, always assume that the truth will be different. We call this the lie of omission — what was left out? And never rely on internet data sources to discover someone’s past, as many courts do not report to information data bases.

“Especially in smaller counties, you have to look, you’ve got to send someone to the courthouse and do research by hand,” he stressed.

After finding nothing in the exhaustive, professional data bases available to Parker, a visit the courthouse uncovered felony charges alleging grand theft and embezzlement — not from the county — but from the people she cared for. She was allowed to plead to the most innocuous charge in return for restitution.
Ask any divorce lawyer what not to do in the early stages of a potentially serious relationship, as Hanford divorce attorney Jeffrey Levinson will tell you, “Keep your hands to yourself. You want to become true friends, you want to like that person, you want to respect, and admire them. Becoming overly romantic too soon, you will not see the negative, and, believe me, it will surface later.”

He added, “And listen, pay attention to things which do not add up — connect the dots.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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