Conflict is part of life. Just ask any divorce attorney, bankruptcy lawyer or lawyer who represents employees in wrongful termination lawsuits, “What is the common denominator that brings clients to your office?” They will tell you that it is more than simply an unresolved conflict, but their clients also doing things that stand in the way of a resolution.

Harvard anthropologist and negotiation expert William Ury, author of the bestselling Getting to Yes, gives us a road map of how to approach conflict resolution in his new book, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict (coming out on February 20).

I discussed these issues with Ury and Dr. Luis Vega, social psychologist and interim dean of the School of Social Sciences & Education at California State University, Bakersfield. Here’s how not to approach a conflict at home, at work or anywhere people disagree.

1. Fall into the ‘three-A trap’ — attack, avoid or appease.

Ury: The best way to not resolve a conflict is to fall straight into the “three-A trap.” Either go on the attack, thinking, “I’m going to win this,” or do the opposite, which is to avoid. Or appease — just give in. But that doesn’t resolve it either, because we’re not happy, and it probably isn’t going to stay resolved for very long.

2. See the world as having only winners and losers.

Vega: An “I win, you lose” attitude robs others of their humanity and feeds the virus of bigotry and vitriol. Self-focus deprives us of the need we all have for connection and community. Conflict becomes circular — they attack us, we attack them, and we all lose. Marriage counselors see this a great deal where one partner insists on always being right and can’t find their way to compromise. The next step is obvious.

3. React out of fear and anger.

Ury: Don’t give in to your initial emotional reactions of fear and anger and then dig in, refusing to budge and thinking, “It’s them vs us.” You will destroy all trust and almost all possibility of agreement if you:

Focus on your problem alone, not their needs.
Just talk at people, or don’t talk with them at all.
Cut the phone line with your neighbor as a way to deal with your differences.
Reduce it all to a zero-sum proposition where one side wins, and the other side loses.
Just keep pushing them to do what you want and treating them with disrespect.
Make it harder for them in every possible way.
Also, discouraging help from anybody — “stay out of it; it’s none of your business” — won’t resolve anything.

And, if you’re a third party watching this going on, you can ensure nothing works out by doing nothing. Or worse, taking sides and escalating the situation. Or getting discouraged and giving up very quickly.

4. Overly rely on intuition and experience — fail to listen or pause.

Vega: You may know yourself, the other party, even relevant stakeholders, but vigilance of your own emotions is critical. And it is tricky because of tribal impulses imbued and influenced by primal emotions processed in the lower brain. This often funnels myriad factors into negative feelings that add fuel to conflict — anger, fear, distrust, contempt and jealousy. This is why, before reaching a conclusion or speaking out, we need to pause and listen, thereby calming our reactive emotions.

5. Fail to ask, “How can I help?”

Ury: Asking an open-ended question like, “Can you help me understand what happened here? How can I help?” is an essential tool. Suddenly, in that moment, you are putting yourself on the same side as them, searching for a way to resolve the issue instead of coming in as an adversary. This simple question often changes everything.

Vega: Asking, “How can I help?” gets a reflexive, or programmed, response that creates familiarity with a task — or muscle memory. It hardly matters what the issues are: When someone says, “I need your help,” the reflexive answer is, “Sure, how can I help?” This suspends biases — for a moment — creating a focus on common interests and an opening for dialogue. It is a truly powerful tool.

6. React to sarcasm with sarcasm.

Ury: Either in a meeting or in written form, if you meet sarcasm with sarcasm, attack with counterattack, distrust with distrust, you end up getting into a fight that no one comes out winning.

When putting things in writing, ask yourself, “Who else will see my sarcastic reply?” and “Can this harm my credibility?”

So, just ignore the insults and deal with the issues — you will come out of this looking far better.

The takeaway

Possible makes readers a fly on the wall of Ury’s incredibly accomplished life. Conflict resolution, as readers see, so often comes down to one person who radiates that “we can resolve this together” attitude. It is a terrific read, and he wants the reader to become that person.

The post Six Things Not to Do if You Want to Resolve a Conflict appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

“The retirement planning firm I work for has just begun holding seminars where various strategies are discussed with an audience of, usually, around 50 people. My problem is stage fright.

“I’ve been reading your columns for years and know that you are a trial lawyer, did some research and found several articles in the ABA Banking Journal on Presentation Skills — including overcoming stage fright — by a Dennis Beaver. Is that you?

“Any advice or books on public speaking you can recommend will be greatly appreciated. Thanks, ‘Gary.’”

Yes, that’s me

Prior to attending law school, I planned on becoming a college speech teacher, and did bachelor’s and master’s degrees in speech/communications. After becoming a trial lawyer, I put those degrees to work, teaching speech at our community college and, for many years, presentation skills to bankers at the Graduate School of Banking in Madison, Wisconsin, every August.

A week prior to the session beginning, I phoned each student, learning why they were taking a course in public speaking and what specific problems they needed addressed. Among other issues, many reported: stage fright. In order to advance professionally, they had to become better speakers. Our class gave them the tools.

Performance anxiety, stage fright are real

The fear of death comes in second to someone who suffers from serious stage fright.

Resulting from too much adrenaline, symptoms before and during a presentation include a racing heart, shaky hands, vultures flapping their wings in your stomach, all of it leading to the feeling that something bad is going to happen.

Afterwards, “I felt physically exhausted, drained and glad that it is over,” are frequent comments I’ve heard, along with, “I know they think that I was just a bundle of nerves and stupid.”

The surprising truth about stage fright is that audiences rarely have a clue as to how nervous a speaker actually is unless you do the wrong things and reveal behaviors that communicate fear. However, where the person appears to enjoy speaking before a group, credibility and effectiveness go way up.

What you want to avoid

No matter how nervous you feel on the inside, your audience won’t have a clue unless you reveal those feelings through rigid behavior — standing with tense arms and hands, motionless, gripping the lecture for dear life — or inhibitory behaviors — a monotone voice, speaking too quietly, or too many “and…uh’s.”

In class, I ask all who suffer from stage fright to raise their hands. Over to one student I walk and engage in normal chit-chat — about her job, family, and kids — just light conversation. At some point I take her by the hand and we walk to the front of the class, still maintaining this pleasant dialogue.

Backing away yet still chatting with the student, soon she is alone, engaged in a pleasant dialogue with me — about anything by this time. And then I turn to the class and ask, “How’s she doing?” I hear a Kellogg’s Tony the Tiger response: GREAT! And I ask her, “How do you feel?” Another GREAT! “What did we just prove?” I ask.

“That it’s mostly in your head,” is the response from the class. The student admits to initially feeling very nervous, afraid it would be obvious and then began to enjoy this exercise.

How to reduce, mask signs of anxiety

1. Be the first person in the room

We are more comfortable speaking with people we know, so, be the first person in the room. By introducing yourself to a handful of audience members as they arrive, it creates a positive feeling. “Wasn’t that nice? The speaker actually went up to me, introduced himself, and we talked about his topic,” they think. Your level of anxiety will mostly fade away.

2. You are not obligated to open your presentation with a funny story

If you have a cute story that fits, then use it, but if you can’t tell a joke, then don’t audition for Saturday Night Live in front of this audience.

3. Think dialogue, not speech

Audiences love to participate in a dialogue with the speaker, so consider opening your talk with answerable questions. “How many of you are concerned about funding your kids’ college education, retirement, etc.?” Look for raised hands. Then, with hand gestures that make it clear you would like this person to explain, ask, “Betty, please tell me your concerns.”

4. Use the room to mask any nervousness

Feel earthquake hands about to come on? Simply rest your hands on the podium or edge of the table. Shaky hands — gone!

To establish good eye contact, move across the room, but do not pace back and forth. The audience will follow you with their eyes, and you, in turn will appear to give eye contact to everyone without trying.

5. Do not rely on visual aids — they will fail you! Keep it conversational, build reviews into the presentation

Visual aids are just that — aids, and should never become your talk, as they can fail at the worst moment. Your audience is not a pile of digital voice recorders — they can’t recall everything, so build in review points.

6. Really want to fail? Distribute handouts at the beginning of your talk. If it is a dinner presentation, start speaking when everyone is cutting into their steak

To deliver a completely forgettable presentation, distribute handouts at the beginning of your talk. Your audience will be fumbling with the material and not paying attention.

If it is a dinner talk, let everyone finish eating and then begin, as food is far more important than anything you have to say.

If you have a handout, distribute it at the end.

Two great resources: “What to Say When You’re Dying on the Platform” by Lilly Walters and “Do’s and Taboos of Public Speaking: How to Get Those Butterflies Flying in Formation,” by Roger E. Axtell. Both are available from Amazon.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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