May 25, 2026  • By Dennis Beaver

Suppose we were having a cup of coffee in my office, and I asked you, “Can you think of something really good about having bladder cancer?” You would probably look at me as if I had a screw loose.

Well, the response I’ve received from couples who read our recent article We’ve Survived Bladder Cancer, But Live With the Effects of Surgery. Tough Love Isn’t What We Need is proof that something indeed very good can result despite the tragedy of experiencing this life-altering disease.

Within hours of the article being online, emails and phone calls arrived from people affected by bladder cancer, including the spouses of attorneys (lots of attorneys), business executives, retired military, law enforcement — people used to being in charge — who had the same message:

Having bladder cancer made them — or me, depending on who reached out — a better spouse. The readers talked about how their spouse stopped being their work self at home, arguing over little, stupid, petty things. They were more appreciative of their spouse than they had been in years.

“Mr. Beaver,” one woman said, “bladder cancer brought us closer, and we both had a lot to learn. Would you please address these important issues?”

So I spoke with Dr. Patricia Pedreira, a postdoctoral associate at Duke University School of Medicine specializing in psycho-oncology. She works with cancer patients and their families, navigating the psychological impact of diagnosis, treatment and survivorship. This is a summary of our interview. (Have a box of Kleenex nearby. I’m glad that I did.)

Bringing couples closer together

The daily realities of living with a urostomy can either drive couples apart or bring them closer together. The difference often comes down to how the partner responds in their spouse’s most vulnerable moments.

High-achieving spouses frequently tell me the same thing: I realized my behavior was hurting my spouse at a time when that was the last thing I wanted to do.

How small things suddenly matter

Bladder cancer recalibrates what’s considered worthy conflict. Couples describe how arguments that used to dominate their relationship (finances, household tasks, who said what) suddenly feel absurdly trivial.

When you’re dealing with the daily reality of an ostomy, who forgot to take out the trash doesn’t register anymore.

Also, small kindnesses become massive. Such as when a spouse keeps extra supplies stocked without being asked. Or warms the bathroom before a pouch change in winter. Or doesn’t wrinkle their nose or look away.

These gestures communicate acceptance and love more powerfully than any words.

Partners also notice what you don’t do. Such as not complaining about middle-of-the-night accidents. Not making a big deal about canceled plans because of not feeling well. What a spouse doesn’t say speaks volumes.

Identity and dignity

Losing bladder function strips away dignity in a way that’s hard to describe if you haven’t experienced it. The person may feel like less of an adult, less of a partner, less attractive, less capable. These feelings are real and valid.

As their spouse, it’s not your job to talk them out of these feelings. It’s to show them through your actions that you still see them as your partner, not a patient. You still find them attractive. You still respect them. You still want to build a life with them.

This means maintaining aspects of your relationship that have nothing to do with cancer or the ostomy.

• Keep watching your show together

• Keep your Sunday morning coffee ritual

• Keep planning for the future

• Don’t let “bladder cancer patient” become their entire identity in your eyes or in the relationship.

How bladder cancer can strengthen a marriage

Shared vulnerability creates connection. When your spouse responds with compassion instead of disgust at your most vulnerable moments, you realize they aren’t going anywhere. That acceptance builds trust that many couples never experience.

Trivial conflicts disappear. Arguments about money or household tasks feel absurd when you’re dealing with real problems. This clarity leads to less conflict and more appreciation.

You become a team. Managing ostomy care together as a shared challenge creates a genuinely collaborative partnership.

Crisis reveals character. Watching your spouse show up for accidents and breakdowns without resentment shows you who they really are. Many people fall in love all over again.

You stop taking each other for granted. Facing mortality makes couples more present, more grateful and less interested in grudges. When time feels finite, you stop wasting it on pettiness.

The challenges are real and brutal. But many couples find the “bladder cancer experience” strengthened their marriage. They become more honest, more compassionate and more certain of each other.

When to seek professional support

For the person with bladder cancer, watch for signs that your grief and adjustment have shifted into clinical depression or anxiety:

• Persistent sadness that doesn’t lift even briefly

• Loss of interest in things that used to bring comfort

• Pervasive hopelessness

• Significant changes in sleep or appetite beyond what treatment explains

• Constant intrusive worry about the ostomy failing or people noticing

For partners, watch for the following in yourself:

• Resentment that won’t go away

• Constant irritation with your spouse

• Avoiding physical closeness

• Feeling trapped or overwhelmed by caregiver responsibilities

These are signs that you need support.

Mental health care is part of comprehensive cancer care, not a luxury or admission of weakness. Most cancer centers have psycho-oncology services or social workers who can refer you to therapists experienced in helping people adjust to life with an ostomy.

Both patients and caregivers benefit from this support.

Therapy gives you tools to process the grief, anger, fear and adjustment challenges that you can’t get from well-meaning friends or support groups alone.

It’s a space to be honest about how hard the situation is without worrying about burdening anyone.

What I tell couples

You don’t have to be inspirational. Some days, you’ll cope well with the ostomy. Other days, you won’t. Both are okay.

Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend navigating this. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling grief, frustration or anger about losing normal bladder function.

These feelings don’t mean you’re weak or ungrateful to be alive. They mean you’re human.

For partners: Don’t beat yourself up for finding the situation difficult. Watching someone you love struggle is painful. Having your life disrupted by middle-of-the-night accidents and medical complications is legitimately difficult. Acknowledging that doesn’t make you selfish.

Find small moments of normalcy and connection even in the hardest stretches:

• A conversation that has nothing to do with cancer

• A meal you both enjoy

• A moment of laughter

Something that reminds you you’re still you, still a couple, still capable of joy even in the middle of something that’s hard to deal with.

If you’re struggling, ask for help. You don’t have to figure this out alone.

Readers can contact Dr. Pedreira at pedreirp@gmail.com.

Dennis Beaver Practices law in Bakersfield and welcomes comments and questions from readers,
which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993,
or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1 – at – Gmail.com.

The post The Unexpected Gift That Bladder Cancer Can Give a Marriage: A Follow-Up to a Previous Article That Received a Big (Emotional) Response appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

April 7, 2026  • By Dennis Beaver

Today, I’m sharing two inspiring stories that I think will help motivate college students looking to have an impact on society as they embark on their careers.

This article is in response to a request I received from Professor Deborah Cours, dean of the College of Business and Public Administration and executive director of the Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation at California State University, Bakersfield, California:

“Mr. Beaver, our students often ask about societally impactful inventions and ventures. You have interviewed many highly successful people. Do you have examples that are specifically relevant to university students looking to make their way in society that I could share with them?”

I’m happy to answer Dean Cours’ question. Over the years of writing this column, I’ve learned what it takes to turn an idea into something that matters, that has real — not hyperbolic, but real — societal impact.

For any entrepreneur, inspiration is important, but it’s only the beginning. Societally impactful ventures face a long process of turning those inspirations into something that people use, rely on and, in some instances, depend on to make better decisions.

I have two examples to share: One is a device you can easily hold in one hand that has the ability to both keep the owner out of jail and save a life at the same time.

The other is a book that can provide students with usable, practical insights into themselves and the world of employment.

So, what sparked the inventor’s and author’s recognition that a societal need existed, the equivalent of seeing someone in a wrestling match with their arms tied behind their back and feeling the need to free them?

‘I can fix this problem’

History has made clear that a common denominator in inventive creativity is the thought, “I can fix this problem. I can help.”

That is what Keith Nothacker, at the time a twentysomething University of Pennsylvania undergrad economics student, thought more than 20 years ago. The device he developed, of which hundreds of thousands have been sold in over 20 countries, has saved countless lives and kept a vast number of its users out of jail.

Most of us know someone who has been pulled over by law enforcement, suspected of driving under the influence of alcohol (DUI). They are asked to blow into a breathalyzer to measure their blood alcohol content (BAC).

If the resulting number is over their state’s limit (most often, .08), typically it’s off to the slammer for a few hours, a fine to rival the size of our national debt and auto insurance rates through the roof for years, not to mention the possibility of losing their driver’s license.

“It seemed so unfair that the general public had no way to measure their own BAC and, knowing that figure, make an informed decision to not drive,” Nothacker told me.

He was asking the key question that led to some of the most meaningful ventures ever started: “Why does this problem exist?”

He wondered why consumers couldn’t purchase a personal breathalyzer, and how he could make that happen.”

Answering those questions, with help from a team of Penn colleagues, led to the development the BACtrack family of personal breathalyzers.

Of the many entrepreneurs I have interviewed over the years, Nothacker stands out as someone who has directly impacted many people, saving lives, marriages and families.

He can help you get and keep a job

Here’s another example of societally impactful innovation I’ve encountered.

Getting hired today and keeping a job is not a given.

Job-related advice is offered everywhere, but the advice provided by William Vanderbloemen, founder and CEO of Vanderbloemen Search Group and author of Be the Unicorn: 12 Data-Driven Habits that Separate the Best Leaders from the Rest, is among the best I’ve seen.

In his book, Vanderbloemen zeros in on life and business personality characteristics that lead to success on the job — even in marriage — and explains how to implement them. He helps readers avoid common pitfalls that lead to being fired and, instead, become the most-sought-after person on their team.

Had I been able to read Be the Unicorn at the time I joined the working world, I would have made fewer dumb mistakes. This book can help Dean Cours’ students avoid the quicksand of their minds and keep clear of what can cause failure on the job.

I can’t overemphasize the value of Be the Unicorn and its companion book, Work How You Are Wired, which avoids the nonsense advice of “follow your passion,” providing a data-backed method for discovering your unique “wiring,” your innate strengths and the roles where you will excel and find purpose.

The takeaway for the dean’s students

Several of their employees told me that Nothacker and Vanderbloemen — as accomplished as they are — remain humble, and success hasn’t gone to their heads.

They recognize in their bosses a deep sense of wanting to help and not being motivated by money. Many noted that these two “brilliant, inspiring men make coming to work a true joy.”

Dennis Beaver Practices law in Bakersfield and welcomes comments and questions from readers,
which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993,
or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1 – at – Gmail.com.

The post These Real-World Examples of Societal Impact Can Inspire College Students for Their Next Chapter appeared first on Dennis Beaver.