Do you know someone who has forgotten that advice about “burying the hatchet and letting bygones be bygones”? Or who acts as if it’s much more enjoyable to remain angry at the people who didn’t vote the way they did or don’t agree with their political or religious viewpoints?

“In many instances, anger feels good, especially today, when political issues seem to dominate American life. ‘I’m right and you are wrong’ smothers all other moral and rational brakes that the brain has in place,” observes Dr. Luis Vega, professor of psychology and interim dean at the College of Social Sciences and Education at California State University in Bakersfield, Calif. “Additionally, anger can deliver a high similar to that experienced in thrill-seeking activities where danger turns on dopamine reward receptors in the brain and can become its own form of addiction.”

When this occurs on the job, it can become the basis for a toxic-workplace lawsuit. But there is something we can do to lower the temperature.

Confronting these destructive attitudes is one of the most positive, upbeat people I’ve interviewed — Juliana Tafur, the Bridging Differences program director at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.

Tafur and her team are leading the 7-Day Campaign for Connection Challenge that, as she says, “Brings together folks with differences in politics, race, religion, culture, all sorts of attitudes — and teaching how to talk with each other. The goal is to minimize othering, prejudice and division and expand our sense of care and shared humanity for others in this time of tremendous division the country is facing.”

Here’s what leads to trouble

I asked Tafur to describe what fuels conflict in our daily lives. What are we doing wrong? She shared these four things, along with some ways to address them:

1. We see a label rather than a person.

We assume that we already know everything about a person based on the label we give them, whether political, cultural, racial, identity. For example, because of their political stance, we might dismiss any unique aspect of their personality, and since we don’t agree, we shut ourselves off from learning anything else about them.

2. We stick to our assumptions and refuse to listen with compassion.

We assume that our truth is the truth and avoid people who think differently. We associate only with those who are in alignment with our views and don’t read anything that doesn’t match our beliefs or that might encourage us to question them.

When meeting someone who does not share our opinions, we focus only on our differences and reinforce the person’s otherness. We dismiss the idea that we could have any meaningful commonality and disregard any shared identities or experiences, such as being in the same PTO at our kids’ school, or both caring about a problem in the community that needs solving. We think, “They’re not worth my time and are so different that we cannot have anything in common.” In the extreme, we might even consider them an enemy.

Actively listening to what someone has to say, with compassion, with our mind and body language — being willing to consider the other person’s feelings and intentions while still disagreeing — is possible. Being engaged in a discussion is one of the most powerful ways of showing that we care about another person’s feelings and want to understand them and their position.

3. When faced with an issue on the job or at home, we shut down the person we don’t agree with.

Looking for a way to upset co-workers or family members when faced with an issue where we are certain of having the only valid opinion? All you have to do is and tell them, “I don’t need any more details. I’ve already heard this viewpoint from others. I know exactly what you are going to say, so don’t waste my time!”

When they get upset, we put them off instead of showing compassion and a desire to discuss the issue. We act like they’re overreacting and say things like, “I don’t get why this would bother you.”

When perspectives clash, we should ask for the other person’s help with a resolution. For example, say something like, “It’s pretty clear we are not understanding each other, and I would really appreciate your help in figuring this out.” This reframes the conversation as a shared effort rather than a confrontation. It also invites collaboration and shows humility, a cornerstone of bridging differences.

4. We approach prejudice the wrong way.

Rather than calling attention to another person’s apparent bias and prejudice by calling them a bigot, Tufar says, consider saying, “Someone might say that your comments reveal a prejudiced mind, which I don’t think is correct, and I’ve caught myself in that kind of a situation but realized it just isn’t really me and sends the wrong message to others.”

Tafur concluded our interview on a positive note that, in my mind, stands as a powerful motto for what her organization strives to accomplish: “By recognizing that anyone can teach us something valuable and approaching people with this mentality, we allow them — and they in turn allow us — to be seen and to feel heard.”

Dennis Beaver Practices law in Bakersfield and welcomes comments and questions from readers,
which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993,
or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1 – at – Gmail.com.

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We’ve all had a co-worker, boss, family member, neighbor – you name it, someone who just makes life miserable. And, who hasn’t pulled out more than a few hairs from total frustration dealing with the chaos they create?

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a handbook of instructions on managing unpleasant people? Well, there is and it’s called “Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People),” by Amy Gallo, published by Harvard Business Review Press and hitting bookstores in September.

It is just a great read and Amy describes situations we have all been in. (I even saw myself in the book – both as a victim and one very unpleasant person, me!)

I sat down with Amy and discussed the things that most of us do wrong when faced with impossible people – or people who we think are impossible. She provided a by-the-numbers approach on what not to do and ways of heading off major confrontations.

1 – Suppress Your Emotions

The result? If we do this long enough, we are likely to explode. Well-meaning people often say, “Just ignore it, suck it up!” But the problem with that attitude is that, later on, emotional leakage occurs and we express feelings in unproductive ways because we just can’t manage them any longer, or take them out on an innocent co-worker or family member.

To avoid that, psychologists recommend these steps to plug your leaking emotions:

• As you feel your anger increase, take the time to ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Name the emotion.

• Next ask, “What thoughts are causing these emotions?” Our thoughts drive our emotions. If you can correctly identify the thoughts that are impacting your emotions, things become much clearer.

• Finally, analyze whether you viewed the event that upset you objectively. Be careful to not let your brain fool you into believing that you are always right.

2 – Retaliate! Fight Fire with Fire!

Consequences: By matching their behavior, you intensify the feeling of being on opposing sides, rather than by giving the dynamic between you a chance to change. Retaliating also makes you look bad in the eyes of co-workers, and may even violate your values. You want to act in ways that you can feel proud of, not that you wish you could take back later.

3 – Hope that your colleague will just leave the organization.

Result: You end up biding your time rather than taking steps to improve the relationship.

Thinking, “Great! If they leave, everything will be much better!” may be flawed as the problem could be with the organizational culture itself, well beyond the ability of co-workers to address or cure.

Often, the system is the problem – one that encourages bad behavior. Incentives might be rewarding the wrong things. The culture might be toxic. And if you are in that type of a work environment, everyone is better off trying to create a workable situation with colleagues instead of just hoping that things will improve on their own.

4 – Assume that the reason your relationship isn’t working is entirely their fault.

Result: We fail to see our role in the dynamic which is the only thing we can actually control. By placing the blame entirely on them, we fail to ask ourselves, “What role have I played in this disagreement?”

Thinking that we have done nothing wrong makes it difficult to find solutions. It becomes an “all or nothing” event, where we make ourselves powerless to influence a resolution.

5 – React in the Moment! Don’t analyze what happened or why you feel this way.

Consequences: Our brains are hard-wired to protect us. We often make snap judgments about what is going on around us and how to react. Often our responses are flawed because we have not taken the time to evaluate the various issues that have led to the conflict.

Allowing time to pass gives us the ability to see things more clearly and less defensively. Time additionally permits the gathering of information, which can either strengthen our case, or prove to us that the other person was in fact correct.

6 – Tell them that they are the perfect example of someone who is (passive aggressive, a political operator, pessimist, credit thief – you name it.)

Consequences: You may make them even angrier and defensive which is unlikely to lead to any behavior change. Rather that labeling them, it is best to describe your observation of their behavior and the impact this is having on you. Engage them in a discussion about their perception of what happened and why they did what they did. They may have a rational explanation that you did not see.

7 – Give up after one attempt to resolve the issue.

Consequences: You miss out on an opportunity to turn the relationship around.

View your efforts to resolve the problem as an experiment where you try different approaches, and learn along the way what works and what doesn’t. One attempt – no matter how valiant – rarely solves the problem!

8 – Think, “I am not a difficult person! I’m the easiest person in the world to get along with.”

Results: We are terrible judges of our own behavior and our impact on other people. At one time or another, we are all difficult people. Therefore, be charitable, take the time to try and understand why that person is acting the way they do.

Amy concluded our interview with an observation that applies to us all:

“None of us are our best selves all the time. Empathy for your co-worker and what they are going through is rarely a waste of time or energy.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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“I recently hired Amy, a 45 year old, knowledgeable insurance broker who brought her clients to us. While competent, we discovered one major flaw; she is horribly sarcastic to everyone on her team, and it isn’t funny, it is hurtful. I do not want to terminate her. You have a lot of resources, so could you help provide me with some suggestions on how to deal with sarcastic people. Thanks, Sylvia.

At Work or Home, Sarcasm is Toxic

I ran Sylvia’s question by Jennifer Petriglieri, Associate Professor of Organizational Behavior at INSEAD, the Paris, France-based graduate business school and author of Couples That Work, her book on how dual-career couples can thrive in love and in work. I had the pleasure of interviewing Jennifer for my review of her book some months ago.

“Sarcasm is very toxic in all relationships,” she points out, “whether at the office or at home. It is a communication pattern that no one responds to well. It is contrasted with irony, that some people react well to and others react badly to. But sarcasm everybody reacts badly to.”

I asked, “What’s the best way of dealing with it on the job if it comes from a co-worker?”

“Coming from someone junior or one of your peers it is easier to deal with. For those people, use direct feedback, such as, ‘When you said X in a sarcastic way it made me feel defensive, and not want to interact with you anymore.’ That statement conveys the impact of what the sarcasm does to you and it makes it clear that the consequences will be I don’t want to interact with you.”

But, if from the boss? Then what?

“We can break that circle with people who are less senior, but it is very difficult with people who are more senior for two reasons:

(1) It is much harder to give negative feedback to our boss.

(2) People who are sarcastic tend to respond to feedback with sarcasm. It creates a vicious circle.

Strategies For Dealing with it At Work

Jennifer proposes these strategies for dealing with sarcasm on the job, observing that in general, HR will take no action as it isn’t actual harassment and likely does not violate any company rules. So:

“Ignore it if you can, but if the situation does not improve, then speak with your boss’s peers. Let these people know that if this continues, you may have to quit, and that you don’t want to.

“The last thing you can do is to just leave – quit – as it is rare for people who are constantly sarcastic to stop. If management won’t tell the person to knock it off, do not let them cause you any more grief – but find a new job first!”

Sarcasm at Home Can Destroy a Relationship

“At home the stakes are very high,” she is quick to note. “Studies show that relationship with lots of sarcasm don’t last long. So, you must confront your partner, say how you feel and express the potential consequence which is, “I am not going to stick around if you continue to be so sarcastic.’ It is one of a number of toxic communication cycles that couples can get into.

“We have found that how you were raised can influence your behavior with significant others. If your parents were sarcastic to each other you might think of it as normal. It is really abnormal but not necessarily your destiny.”

In my own family law practice, I recall the wife, raised in a family of constant sarcasm which she used on her husband. He begged her, “Please stop! I am not sarcastic with you. It does not even enter my mind to think that way.”

She got the message and they are, today, a happy couple.

And If You Feel A Sarcastic Remark Coming On?

If you feel yourself about to say something hurtful and sarcastic, Jennifer offers this insight:

(1) Silence is best – don’t say anything!

(2) Ask, “What am I trying to communicate?”

(3) Be honest and direct instead of using sarcasm. If you are upset, explain why instead of hiding your reasons with sarcasm.

(4) Agree that we will both endeavor to show more respect for each other.

A Strong Predictor of Relationship Success

“When you look over the long term, the thing that most predicts a successful relationship–at home or at work–is kindness,” Jennifer maintains, “showing appreciation and validation for the good things we see our colleagues do for us at work, and our spouses at home.

“We need to say these things out loud. We need to say thank you for doing such a good job.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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Today’s story is dedicated to college students looking for a job, and we begin with a question: If you feel that your education has prepared you adequately for the realities of the working world–getting a job, doing well and advancing–please raise your hands.

Hmmm, I don’t see many, so let me try a different approach.

Do you sense a gap–a real insecurity–about approaching the world of employment after getting your degree? Do you wonder if there is something out there–a practical guidebook–that addresses the many obstacles you will face and which provides workable, researched-based answers for this next stage of your life?

Let me tell you, when I was in college, if I had something like Bring Your Brain to Work: Using Cognitive Science to Get a Job, Do it Well, and Advance Your Career, by psychologist, Dr. Art Markman, it would have even helped prevent a guy like me from putting my foot in my mouth too often.

Answers Students’ Questions

Over his many years of teaching psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, professor Markman was repeatedly asked those very questions by students who wanted help in navigating the challenges of life after school. This led him to develop what amounts to a handbook backed by psychological research which transforms science into practical advice on dealing with life’s problems related to employment.

Markman is one of the highest rated teachers at his school, and after reading Bring Your Brain to Work, it is easy to see why his students describe him as Awesome! I give his book the same 5 out of 5, Awesome rating, and here are examples of why you will feel the same.

Find Your Passion Nonsense

How often have you been told, “Just find your passion and the rest is easy?” “That’s easy for you to say,” you probably thought, then wondered, “How can I find my passion?”
“When we hear, ‘Find Your Passion,’ this assumes that there is one and only one right job out there for us,” Markman observes. “But research shows that we can learn to love almost any job, finding elements of the things that we appreciate.

“It is common to find recent graduates who think, ‘If I’m not excited about my job on day one there is something wrong and I’ve got to get out now, and find one that makes me fulfilled.’
“But research proves that, if your values and those of your employer are on the same page, in time, you will learn to love your job. Where you don’t has less to do with the particular tasks you are doing, but your values and those of the organization. So, one of the things I discuss in the book is to ask:

–What do you value in life?

–Achievement?

–Doing good for others?

–Tradition?

Markman encourages doing thorough research about the places that you are applying to.

“Learn about their goals, values and, critically important, their culture, expectations, even down to appearance/clothing issues. Do they blend in well with yours?”

“You Are Doing This All Wrong” – Shooting Your Mouth Off Too Soon

Most of us get a flu shot so that we don’t get the flu. On just two pages–which are a true gift to readers–Markman provides a job-saving inoculation, which I label: “Here’s why it’s not a good idea to be Mr. Know-it-All.”

We have all known–and some of us have been Mr. Know-it-All–who, within a few days on a new job, discovered that management was all wet, doing thing completely wrong and, wanting to improve things, shoots his mouth off.

“This is common among workers who lack real-world experience,” Markman says, “and announce that they know better how to run the place.’ They complain, and wonder why they haven’t been promoted six months after getting the job. All the time they have been unaware that their own performance is sadly lacking.

“Research shows that the least skilled performers are the ones who are most overconfident in their own abilities. So the danger early on, is that, because you think you know how to run the place, you go shooting your mouth off, but you are really demonstrating your own ignorance about the challenges involved.”

Markman is an up tempo guy. He just makes you feel good, and all of my interviews with him have been as delightful as this was. You don’t have to be out looking for a job to really enjoy Bring Your Brain to Work. It is filled with answers to so many of the questions we have asked ourselves, or will one day.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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The most frequent complaint that all state bar associations receive from the public is a refusal, unwillingness or absolute failure by their lawyers to communicate – specifically, to return phone calls.

A recent story was an interview with New York psychotherapist Dr. Elizabeth Eckhardt, a Learn-Formula Continuing Legal Education presenter with the Nassau County Bar Association’s Lawyer Assistance Program.

“Why is my lawyer so sad and angry all the time?” examined how the stress of law practice often reveals itself as depression, substance abuse, even suicide.

“Ignoring clients’ repeated requests to return phone calls is often a sign that a lawyer has taken on or been assigned too much work or is having emotional issues,” Dr. Eckhardt pointed out.

Are You Ok?

It’s not just clients who feel ignored.

“Sandy” is a case in point. She, among other physicians, is an internist being jerked around by an HMO running a sweat shop, requiring them to see far more patients in the course of a day than is appropriate or safe.

I referred her to employment attorney “Rick” months ago. We provided him with all the written materials he requested, and we were told that a lawsuit would be filed within days.

Yet, despite frequent emails and voicemails asking for updates, we felt put on ignore.

And then I had an idea: “Why not send him a polite, empathetic email, asking if he is ok, and enclose a link to Dr. Eckhardt’s story? I know how I would feel if a colleague sent me an article that ever so slightly suggested that I was losing it.

It Worked

In less than 24 hours, Rick sent us a detailed case analysis, along with an “explanation” for his lack of responsiveness. Sandy’s case is now moving in the right direction, and Rick is well aware that he has no more bites at the apple. The next unexplained failure to communicate will lead to his being fired for cause.

Can you Help Us?

Within days of that story appearing, and my successfully using it to awaken a comatose Rip Van Winkle, our office started receiving phone calls from across North America, Australia and even the UK from clients and referring lawyers, all asking if I had a suggestion that would get some sign of life from their attorneys.

Apparently, that story made it onto websites where clients complain about their lawyers.

The message was always the same. “I keep leaving messages, asking for a return call, and nothing!”Some of the callers were worried. “We are in the discovery stages of a lawsuit and I have been sanctioned for my attorney’s failure to turn over certain documents to the other side.

The court has threatened us with dismissal if he does not comply within seven days,” said a caller from Hartford, Connecticut.

One group of clients were far more worried than most others and had one thing in common: They were located in Canada, several U.S. cities, the UK and Sydney, Australia.

Their common denominator? They were all in an auto accident and retained law firms after seeing ‘No Recovery No Fee” television commercials.

“They sent out an investigator who signed us up and then, nothing and it has been months!” was the refrain. “We are worried that the longer this goes on, there is a chance of failing to file a suit before the expiration of the statute of limitations.”

The Plot Thickens

Several of these callers were referred by the law firm to chiropractors, doctors and physical therapists, yet their bills remained unpaid for months, despite the availability of medical payments insurance and signed liens.

And then, we began to receive calls from the actual care providers, wondering what they could do. How could they get these lawyers to get their bills paid?

Many had read my articles on the challenge of getting some attorneys to honor physician liens where the lawyers had promised to protect the health care provider’s bill but refused.

Follow My Example

I related my success story and urged these readers to do the same thing, but cautioned:

“Think it over carefully if you plan on posting something about that attorney. You do not want to poke a sleeping bear. The last thing you need is to be sued for defamation.”

As of the date this story, Learn-Formula’s Dr. Elizabeth Eckhardt’s down-to-earth comments had the result you expect when a brilliant light if flashed in a darkened room. The cockroaches scatter.

So, the takeaway is simple: There is a time and place to be patient. Dealing with a non-responsive lawyer isn’t one. Lawyers hate it when complained of to their state bar or others in their own firm. But do not hesitate, as your case could be at risk.

Asking, “Are you ok?” politely and with a sense of care can go a long, long way.

Dennis Beaver Practices law in Bakersfield and welcomes comments and questions from readers,
which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993,
or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1 – at – Gmail.com.

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Have you ever wondered how some people become victims of scams, sending large amounts of money to crooks thousands of miles away?

Today’s story explains the psychology of being scammed, and this topic was requested by “Rod,” who is an attorney in Southern California, after his 60 year-old paralegal “Debra” was scammed out of $15,000 over a period of several days, as he explained:

“It began with her computer freezing, followed by a message instructing her to call a certain phone number. This led to Debra–who is a highly intelligent and a very sensitive person–giving them her credit card number. They charged more than what was quoted to repair the computer remotely, which never was fixed.

A month later they phoned, stating that a credit had been issued to her account due to the overcharge, but claimed to have made a mistake in refunding her thousands of dollars more than was originally taken.

“Over several days she received constant phone calls from these people,–screaming–that she must go to her bank and wire back their overpayment, supposedly credited to her account. Of course, that was a lie. But instead of verifying the overpayment, she went to her bank multiple times and wired $15,000 to Thailand.

It was all a scam and she never told anyone about this until two weeks later!”

“What is the psychology of being scammed? How to scammers get otherwise very intelligent people to give them thousands of dollars?” Rod wanted to know.

I put that question to Dr. Luis Vega, Professor of Psychology at California State University Bakersfield. His professional interests include methods of persuasion.

Step One – Lack of Knowledge + Vulnerability

“While no one is immune from becoming a victim, it is a myth that only gullible people get taken,” Vega points out, adding, “There are several psychological elements that unite to make a person an ideal scam victim, beginning with a lack of knowledge about the subject matter of the scam.” He then asked this question:

“Why don’t we hear about computer technicians being scammed like Debra? It is because they are knowledgeable about computers. You can’t fool them.

Vega outlines the initial factors creating vulnerability which must be present for a scam to succeed:

(1) Not being on guard for predators. It is painful to think that you could be a target.

(2) Typically, someone who is nice, vulnerable in terms of emotional need and trusts others is the profile predators hone in on.

(3) Someone who, in this case as an example, does not know about computers and sends a distress signal which is a cue for victimization. In addition, the person is not expecting to be attacked and sees the scammer as helpful.

(4) Here, they camouflaged themselves as friends, spoke authoritatively, got into her computer so she was conned into feeling they were legitimate experts.

Step Two – Incremental Commitment – Be Seen As a Team Player

Recall that Debra went to her bank on several occasions to wire money to the scammers but told no one. You are probably thinking, “How could this happen?” As I learned, the psychological term for this is Incremental Commitment. Vega shows how this concept keeps people trapped:

“In our society it is difficult to say no once you have said yes. So, once they get you to do one action it is easier for you to do another, even multiple times. As soon as you have committed yourself to a course of action it is difficult to walk away! It becomes an automatic practice – as if you were following a script.

“We want to be seen as a team player. We want to follow the rules. Add to that intimidation and bullying. Debra was threatened. How many vacuum cleaners have been sold to people who fell victim to a high pressure sales pitch and could not tell the salesperson to leave their home?”

Why Not Ask for Help?

So, why didn’t Debra ask for help? That would seem logical, right? Vega provides these reasons for her silence:

(1) Under conditions of stress you feel intimated and your rational mind literally goes to sleep. You are in a state of shock.

(2) Realizing something is amiss, shame and embarrassment prevents you from seeking help.

“Predators rely on their target remaining compliant, trusting, and following orders. Psychologically, the victim is completely unaware of how the mind enables this nightmare to unfold.”

And his recommendation for anyone caught in a similar situation?

“If it doesn’t feel right, press the power button – turn off your computer and walk away. Ask questions of friends and colleagues before doing anything more.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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If it’s the holiday season and I say “miser.” What name comes to mind? (No, not your cheapskate uncle Joe, we’ll get to him later.)
I’ll bet its Scrooge.

Misers have been some of the most despicable characters in literature, with numerous warnings about not becoming one even found in the Bible and the Koran.

“Reggie,” a Chicago attorney, emailed, “Dennis, you are something like the Dear Abby of the legal world, and I have a real doozy for you. A new attorney has just been hired in our small office. If we all go to a restaurant, she refuses to leave a tip, swipes packages of Equal from the table and once brought her own food! She will never pick up the tab even though the rest of us take turns treating.

“She earns over $200,000 a year, yet refuses to participate in our financial support of a homeless shelter and boasts of not giving to any cause. When the office caters lunch, she is the first person in line, taking enough food to feed three people. This is creating a toxic atmosphere. Have you got an idea on how to deal her? What makes a person become a miser?”

High Anxiety over Money Transmitted One Generation to Another

Just as Dear Abby has her consultants, I’ve got mine, and to answer Reggie’s question, I turned to a friend of this column, Dr. Art Markman, Professor of Psychology and Marketing at the University of Texas at Austin.

“While we think there is some genetic influence, life experience–learned behavior–has a great deal to do with it,” Markman points out. “Just think of the whole generation who went through the great depression as children. Many of them were very anxious about money for the rest of their lives, terrified of not having enough no matter how much they actually had–then transmitting that anxiety to their children and on it went generation after generation.

“When you have a strong anxiety like that it is natural to engage in a behavior to keep those feelings at bay. For some people, knowing that they have money is more important than spending the money on anything.

“These behaviors do not make sense from the outside, but they make perfect sense from the standpoint of ‘If I don’t do this–if I don’t save, save, save, ‘then the level of anxiety I experience could really be debilitating.’”

Creates Resentment On the Job and in Families

Reggie’s email clearly revealed a huge amount of resentment being brewed by this new attorney’s behavior. I got the feeling that before her arrival, Reggie’s law office was like a family where no one kept score of who paid for what, but now, everyone was and they do not like it. Markman agreed.

“Families and small offices have a lot of very positive things in common. But where you have a user, a taker, a miser as in this Chicago law firm–just as you would in almost any family–her behavior would create a huge amount of resentment.

“Families are interesting because it’s the place where you are not supposed to keep score. For example, parents do and do and do for their kids and never send them a bill.

“However, as the family gets extended–uncles, aunts, cousins–and there is a member who consistently takes stuff from other people and doesn’t give despite the fact we know they can give – it becomes a big problem and causes a lot of tension in the family. You don’t want to keep score, but can’t help but keep score.

“So, your uncle Joe and his wife drive across the country to spend winter in Arizona, staying with relatives along the way for two or three days at a time and there is never an offer to take them out to dinner, or to bring them some kind of a ‘Thank-you for hosting us gift.’ When a frustrated relative calls them out for their stinginess, Joe says, ‘What do I give to someone who has everything?’

“This shows a level of disrespect and a lack of acknowledgment for what’s been done for you. When you have the resources it is disrespectful not to contribute in some way towards the overall situation.”

What Can Reggie Do?

I asked Markman, “So how can Reggie keep his cool and tackle this problem?” He set out three options:

(1) Start keeping score. If they go out to lunch together, just hand her the check and say, ‘It’s your turn to pay.’

(2) Stop dealing with her altogether on anything social – quit inviting her.

(3) Just accept that she is wacky and ignore her behavior.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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Law is a high stress occupation, something that many clients do not realize.

The reality of the legal profession is far different than portrayed on television or in the movies.

Lawyers suffer from higher rates of depression, suicide and divorce than almost any other profession. Your lawyer’s mental health is critical to your case.

“I run a small agricultural services business in the South and our lawyer, Emma, wears several hats. She handles business and family law matters, and is occasionally appointed to handle criminal defense cases. Emma has no other attorneys in her firm. She is it.

“Recently we’ve noticed that she seems sad, down, angry all the time, and difficult to reach. We are worried about her and the possible impact on us. Have you got any suggestions on something that we can say to her? Thanks, Theo.”

I ran Theo’s question by New York psychotherapist Dr. Elizabeth Eckhardt, director of the Nassau County Bar Association’s Lawyer Assistance Program that provides confidential services to lawyers, judges, law students and their families struggling with mental health and substance use issues.

She is a lecturer for: cle.learnformula.com , a provider of continuing education courses for lawyers across America.

Frequently Unaware of the Enormous Stress

“Clients are often unaware of the tremendous stress their lawyer is likely under,” Dr. Eckhardt says, adding, “the legal profession has one of the highest rates of divorce, substance abuse, depression and suicide of any occupation. This is not a job for the faint-hearted, and the glamorous image of lawyers on television or in the movies is pure fiction.

“Those who suffer the most, and are hard to reach, are in small and solo practices, as your reader describes Emma. They are not inclined to seek help, in part because of being overwhelmed and are very much alone.”

Why Lawyers are At Risk

“Lawyers have Type-A personalities and often reveal a maladaptive perfectionism. I would suggest anyone considering a career in law to read ‘Big Law Killed My Husband’: An Open Letter from a Sidley Partner’s Widow.’”

Dr. Eckhardt points out that it is not a unique story. “Often attorneys do not seek help, even though they are suffering from having taken on or been assigned too much and refuse to say ‘No! I can’t take on any more.’ There is a reluctance to ask for help as they are the ones that people go to for help and not necessarily those who need the help themselves.”

Vicarious Trauma

The anecdote of lawyers resorting to a high-octane liquid lunch, seeking relief from the client’s well-being in their hands — especially divorce, immigration and criminal matters — is real.

In law school, students are rarely asked how long they could stand hating themselves, working in a public defender’s office and told to confuse a jury any way possible with a clearly guilty defendant. Or, trying to get obviously drunk drivers off; working for insurance defense firms that seek to deny the payment of justifiable claims – in short, often having to lie for a living, wearing “golden handcuffs” and not financially able to leave.

“The frequent result is vicarious trauma” Eckhardt underscores, “that, over time becomes cumulative, leading to apathy at work that compromises their ability to practice effectively and can result in isolation from friends and family. All of this often culminates in severe emotional problems.”

What are Signs of Trouble, what can Clients Do?

Dr. Eckhardt outlined steps a client should take when concerned about their lawyer’s behavior, especially when they are not responding to you, and when to consider changing attorneys.

Be Assertive

Keep a detailed record, a paper trail, of your attempts to reach your lawyer and the different people you’ve spoken to. This shows your due diligence.

Contact your local or state bar association

If you are getting nowhere by asking help from others in the same law firm, then reach out to your local bar association or state bar. Your lawyer will be contacted by someone and this might be the only nudge you’ll need to get things moving.

Patience is not a virtue if you are being ignored

Assuming you are current with your payments, indicate that you are considering other counsel: If you have:

(A) Attempted several times to reach your lawyer without success.

(B) Expressed your concerns to others in the same firm with no results.

(C) Are feeling that your needs are not being met.

(D) Been told that the original time line is nowhere near being respected without good cause.

Do not be Silent

Dr. Eckhardt concluded our interview on an up-tempo, positive note:

“In a very real way, clients who speak up — who are assertive and raise these issues — can do so much good, for themselves and their attorney or former attorney. All states and territories have lawyer assistance programs that are lifelines for lawyers in trouble, and their clients.”

Dennis Beaver Practices law in Bakersfield and welcomes comments and questions from readers,
which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993,
or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1 – at – Gmail.com.

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