Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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Short of immediately firing your lawyer, just what should you do when promised a return call, or that your matter “Will be taken care of,” but it doesn’t ever happen? Or, stated differently, when is “yes” really a “no?”

Julie wrote, “Ron, a friend from college–whose family is related to mine–just became an attorney and is working for the wills and estate law firm that has managed my grandparents’ trust for years. Recently I was made a co-trustee and need to know what to do, but every time I ask Ron to schedule a meeting, I am put off, hearing, ‘I am so tied up now, but call me in two weeks.’

“When I do call, I am again put off! Changing law firms would be viewed as a great insult by my family. Honestly, I do not understand this “yes,” which seems to be a ‘no.’ What explains this behavior? What should I try before firing Ron?”

Something we are all Guilty of

We have all been guilty of saying “yes” to an invitation or request, being polite, not wanting to embarrass or hurt the feelings of the person asking us by saying “no.”

“That’s human nature, “observes Art Markman, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology and Marketing at the University of Texas at Austin. “For many people, coming right out and saying ‘no’ is extremely difficult.

“So, instead of a clear ‘no,’ which has the potential of being viewed as a rejection or put-down, it is common to hear ‘right now that’s not convenient,’ or ‘let me discuss this with my family and I will get back with you.’

“The conversation might end there, as no answer is an answer,” he observes.

In a purely social settings, when that “Yes, I’ll take care of it,” is followed by, “But I can’t do it right now, and I’ll get right back to you when I can,” there might be hurt feelings but little concrete harm if we never do hear back.

“But just remove this from the realm of a social setting and into the business world or a lawyer or doctor’s office, and you could be looking at serious and very bad consequences,” Markman notes, and explains what accounts for this “yes, but” response Julie is hearing and how to deal with it.

Personality Agreeableness

“One of the major personality characteristics is called agreeableness. Agreeable individuals value getting along with others–which is good–but in the extreme, they fear not being liked which leads to real problems.

“When a person who is very high on the agreeableness scale says “no” to your request, in that moment they experience a kind of panic, terrified that you don’t like them. In their twisted logic, they say ‘no’ by saying ‘yes.’

“So, you ask, ‘Will you do this project for me?’ I reply, ‘Yes, but I can’t start until next Tuesday.’ You call me on Tuesday and I say, ‘Well, this other thing came up.’ What I keep doing is pushing you off, kicking you down the road because I fear saying, ‘No, I can’t do it, or I won’t do it or I don’t want to do it.’”

Creates Frustration and is Harmful

To Markman, overly agreeable people wind up saying what others want to hear, but have no intention of following through. It is misleading, deceptive and this “Yes, but” behavior becomes highly destructive.

“These things you don’t want to do–which you kick down the road–they are going to come back. Not only is it dishonest, but it creates a lot of frustration in your interactions, in the long run. If you say that you will do something at a later time and don’t do it, now you have someone who isn’t just frustrated, but who has relied on your promise and did not find alternate plans to get it done. Real harm is often the result.”

And how do we deal with these people? Markman has a suggestion.

You Get One ‘Yes, But’

“If you are going to make a commitment, then you better follow through with it, and that’s part of our social contract. There should be no fear about ending a relationship where it is impossible to rely on promises made, and in the workplace, this kind of a personality routinely gets people fired which they deserve.”

And what advice does Markman have for our reader who really does not want to change attorneys?

“The way of dealing with the over-agreeable person is to pin them down to date and time.

I think the general rule should be, “You get one and only one ‘yes, but.’ If they come through, great, and if not, find someone else.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post Dealing With People Who Say Yes but Mean No appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

It is a conclusion parents never want to reach. “Our son is a failure and will never accomplish a thing. Can I protect him from his laziness and financial incompetence so that he doesn’t wind up homeless?”

Earlier this year one of our stories described a family that was “Eerily similar to ours,” an email from “Oscar” began. “A father told you about their two adult sons who will likely remain life-long failures.

“That’s what we are facing with our son, Eddie. After reading your column for years, I feel that I know you, Dennis. Can we please talk, we are worried sick and would appreciate your advice.”

We were on the phone a minute later.

Both in denial of son’s obvious mental illness

“Ever since he was a child, his behavior has been abnormal. We hoped it was something he would out-grow, instead it slowly worsened. We failed to get him psychiatric care, and have been enablers, pure and simple,” Dr. Oscar explained.
Yes, both he and his wife are health care professionals now facing the consequences of denial and worries that Eddie could wind up homeless or in prison.

“He graduated college with a business major and has spent the past three years living at home, using medically prescribed marijuana he claims helps his migraines. Our generous allowance led to hitting the bars, picking up a DUI with a .25 blood alcohol level, but, at his lawyer’s suggestion, getting into law school  – for which we paid, of course.

“He dropped out the first semester, telling us, “I am conservative politically, and all the students and teachers stare at me. They hate me for my views. Also, I couldn’t study or sleep as my apartment is near a radio station, and the radio waves keep me up at night.”

“This is, of course, paranoia, and on some level we were aware of it, but who wants to think your son is mentally ill?” his mom stated. “We prevented him from ever facing the consequences of his flawed thinking, and to Eddie, nothing is ever his fault. He is stubborn, so if he ever gets psychiatric care, taking meds will not happen.

“Can we provide him a lifetime income that will keep a roof over his head yet which he can’t blow?”

Inheritance often spent on flashy cars and trips to Vegas

“There is an “Eddie” in most families and the story doesn’t always have to be tragic. A son or daughter might be a poor musician, but loves music, enjoys performance and won’t ever earn much money at it. Or perhaps it’s a ‘starving artist’ child that mom and dad want to protect years down the road,” Stan The Annuity Man, a.k.a. Stan Haithcock, commented when I ran Eddie’s case by him.

Based in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida, he is nationally recognized expert on annuities, and as we discovered, has a valuable tool for Baby Boomers who want to help financially protect their children or other family members.

As Baby Boomers age, the greatest transfer of wealth in our nation’s history is taking place, usually by inheritance, “There is a substantial risk of immature or irresponsible beneficiaries blowing the money on flashy cars and trips to Las Vegas,” Stan points out, adding, “Yet this does not have to occur, as there is a way to put in place what amounts to a pension – a lifetime income – which will pay as long as the person lives.”

Creating a lifetime income stream

He was quick to caution, “This is not a do-it-yourself project that you can download from the internet, as a family trust needs to be established by an attorney. You are putting in place a monthly income stream based on the child’s life expectancy, and you want to prevent the child from cashing it in.”

Stan explained how the trust functions:

“A living trust is the owner of an annuity and the child is referred to as the annuitant. What makes these annuities so valuable to parents is that the annuitant cannot cash it in. So, Eddie has no rights to a thing – that’s the ‘Handcuffing.’

“It is a way of being sure the child has an income. This truly is controlling from the grave, when it will start to pay, how much will be paid, building in a cost of living increase if you like, while preventing it from being paid as a lump sum,” he points out.

“It is the ultimate legacy. Your kids will hate and love you at the same time. Every time a check hits their bank account they will think, “Thanks, mom and dad.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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January 6, 2026  • By Dennis Beaver

Over the many years I’ve been in law practice, a client’s adult child has more than once called with an urgent need to come into the office, saying, “It is about Mom and Dad. Their judgment about the financial things they were always on top of seems to have fallen off of a cliff. We have to protect them from themselves, but how?”

Usually, they add, “But they are both highly independent and would not stand for control of their finances to be taken away.”

It doesn’t have to be.

I am getting more and more of these calls as our population ages, and the issue often is because my advice to an older couple — “you need to cut ties with this crooked contractor” — is rejected, and they decide to stay with the con to their detriment.

My article last week about Walter and Patty, As We Age, Embracing Our Own Self-Doubt Can Be a Gift: A Cautionary Tale About Elder Financial Abuse, is a case in point.

Guarding against future financial mistakes

When adult children see their aging parent(s) begin to act impulsively or make financial decisions that aren’t sound, this is the time to have a consultation with an elder law attorney — before things get worse. These lawyers focus on the legal needs of older adults, including:

• Long-term-care planning

• Medicaid eligibility

• Estate planning and trusts

• Powers of attorney and health care directives

• Asset protection

• Guardianship and conservatorship

• Elder rights and elder abuse prevention

Today, we look at how an elder law attorney can address financial vulnerability and exploitation by putting safeguards — guardrails — in place that reduce the chances of future mistakes while preserving the parent’s dignity and independence as much as possible.

Effective preventive financial tools

The elder law attorneys I know are among the most compassionate individuals in the legal profession. The last thing an aging parent who has always been in control of their finances wants is to lose that ability.

• How can a family protect them without giving the impression that they are taking over a parent’s life?

• Elder law attorneys use a win-win strategy that demonstrates family support instead of completely limiting Mom or Dad’s financial freedom.

• An elder law attorney can design a limited authority framework that:

• Requires a second signature for contracts or large purchases

• Allows a child to access/monitor accounts

• Allows the parent to have day-to-day control up to a specified dollar amount

• Instructs the parent’s bank to flag and stop attempted withdrawals or payments to anyone over a specified limit and notify the adult child if that is attempted

• Requires the signature of an adult child or named person for amounts over a set dollar figure

• Arranges for a copy of the monthly bank statements to be sent to a designated relative or third party

• Employs anti-exploitative measures, including fraud alerts from all three credit bureaus, credit card spending limits, trusted-contact notifications and automatic bill pay, which may reduce a parent’s confusion on which bills to pay

Also, if a parent has signed a questionable or predatory contract, an elder law attorney can identify grounds for cancellation and speak with the company or reach out to lawyers familiar with the legal issues involved.

For example, I am frequently contacted by attorneys whose clients have become victims of timeshare and rooftop solar sales scams.

What a durable power of attorney accomplishes

An elder law attorney can set up a proper (more on what’s considered “proper” in a moment) durable financial power of attorney, which allows a trusted family member to handle financial affairs if the parent becomes mentally or physically incapacitated because of illness or accident.

A durable power of attorney for health care — aka medical power of attorney or health care proxy — is also essential.

Trusts protect assets from scams and impulsive decisions

Depending upon a family’s assets and needs, an elder law attorney will explore using a trust as a way to protect older people from making poor decisions, squandering their funds or being a target of scammers.

The concept is simple: Control of assets is given to a responsible child or professional fiduciary/trustee, who manages these assets while restricting the aging parent’s direct access.

The objective of all trusts is the preservation of assets for the benefit of the parent or designated beneficiaries.

Why hire an attorney when most of this stuff is free online?

I am occasionally asked, “Why spend the money on an elder law attorney when I can get all the forms and information for free online, or pay just a few dollars for a kit with fill-in-the-blank forms that promise to be as good as hiring a lawyer?”

My answer: What you pay an attorney to draft proper estate planning documents is often much lower than the costs of fixing a botched DIY plan.

Growing up, our parents loved and cared for us. We owe them the same now.

Dennis Beaver Practices law in Bakersfield and welcomes comments and questions from readers,
which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993,
or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1 – at – Gmail.com.

The post How an Elder Law Attorney Can Help Protect Your Aging Parents From Financial Mistakes appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

It is likely that you have never heard of the term “orphaned elder,” but you probably know at least one person who fits the definition. Even going further, your concerns could easily be the very same as those emailed to us from Okinawa, Japan by Terry, an officer in the United States Marine Corps:

“My father lives in Central California, and since mom died two years ago, life for him has been difficult and very sad. He is 70, very much alone, and the few times that I have seen him since her death, I am more and more fearful of what will become of him, and just how vulnerable he is, especially where it comes to money.

“He retired from the oil industry and is not a poor man. But I know for a fact that his need to have some company led him to loan money to people who have no intention of paying it back. The few friends that he has try to protect him from those that may befriend him for all the wrong reasons, but something needs to be in place to better protect him and his assets. Do you have any recommendations?”

An aging population getting scammed

“There are a lot of seniors out there who are in that exact same situation,” Chris Kennedy, a California licensed professional fiduciary with Visalia-based Perine & Dicken Professional Fiduciaries & Conservators tells You and the Law.

“They are known as senior or elder orphans, living alone, lonely, have lost a spouse, and their family members are either too far away or do not exist. This makes them terribly vulnerable to being taken advantage of,” he adds.

“One of the more frustrating aspects of advances in medical science is that our population is aging at a dramatic rate, with never-before-considered social costs and very personal, individual and family concerns.

“Dementia and other age- and health-related conditions which reduce mental capacity take a terrible toll on the elderly and their families. While financial elder abuse has always existed, there wasn’t much of it in years past, simply for the reason that people typically didn’t live as long as they do today.

“The baby-boomer generation is now at retirement age, often living further from their children, and with fewer children than preceding generations. At one time in the U.S. and still in countries where large families are common — your children were your Social Security. They took care of mom and dad, protecting and caring for them as they aged. This is a topic of broader concern than we would care to admit at times,” he points out.

“And so today, as with Terry in Okinawa, the main issues include dad being taken advantage of, financially or otherwise, and being cared for when family is not there. Who does the family reach out to? Who do they contact when help is needed? What can be done now?

“These are important questions for families to ask now and have answers — well before a crisis develops — in order to avoid a completely unexpected nightmare they will need to address,” Kennedy maintains.

Ask ‘What if?’ well before the crisis hits

“While kids or loved ones may be around dad now, able and willing to help, what if they are not? What if marriage, work, the military or geography takes them far away, or worse yet, takes them out of the equation? What if they suffer health or financial issues and now the caregiver needs care?

“Both families and responsible elderly themselves need to consider the consequences of financial vulnerability, which is triggered by the fact that dad has assets. How can we assure those assets will be used appropriately? That is a critical question.

“When decreased mental capacity, loneliness and assets are mixed up in the bowl, it is a dangerous recipe that we see frequently,” Kennedy notes.

“This is very difficult to deal with after the fact, after someone has taken advantage of dad. If you do not deal with these issues on the front end, it becomes terribly difficult to handle on the back end,” he observes.

“And, talk about frustration and family pulling their hair out, how can you deal with the situation where dad tells son or daughter that he knows what he’s doing, to mind their own business, that if she really does love him that it’s his life and his money to spend any way he wants to?”

There are ways to deal with this, short of locking your father in the basement, and we’ll explore steps to be taken next time.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post How can we help our orphaned elders? appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post Protecting your loved ones after your death appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

March 24, 2026  • By Dennis Beaver

Imagine your spouse or adult child asks, “I am not trying to bother you, but don’t you think it is time to sit down with someone and develop a financial and estate plan?”

Will your reply be one of the following?

• “Things need to settle down first.”
• “Our situation is complicated, so I need to set aside a real block of time.”
• “The business is our retirement plan.”
• “We’re healthy. We have time.”

When I ran these ever-so-common situations by a friend of this column, author and regular Kiplinger contributor Cosmo DeStefano — I recently chatted with him about his book Wealth Your Way — he laughed, only it wasn’t because any of these excuses are truly humorous.

“Things never fully settle down,” he said. “That ‘real block of time’ will never materialize. The complexity becomes the excuse. Yes, the family business can become your retirement plan, but only if it can be sold, transferred or wound down in an orderly way, which requires an estate plan.

“Finally, the unexpected health crisis does not announce itself months ahead of time with a knock on your door and someone saying, ‘You need a durable power of attorney for health care.'”

Meet Rick and Linda

For over two decades, my clients, “Rick and Linda,” both 55, have built one of the most respected disaster remediation franchises in the Western United States.

Flooded basements, smoke-damaged kitchens, mold-infested walls — whatever havoc life inflicts on a home, the high school sweethearts and their crew, most of whom have been with them for years, show up, work fast and are professional and thorough.

They clean up other people’s disasters for a living, treating their employees like members of the family, a testimony to their character.

Their own disaster, however, has been quietly building in the background. They have a million-dollar business, a sizable estate, several adult children and exactly zero estate planning documents in place.

No wills. No buy-sell agreement. No powers of attorney. No life insurance structure.

I have raised these issues with them, and their answer is always the same: “We know, we know. We just haven’t had the time.”

The high cost of ‘we just haven’t had the time’

DeStefano notes that “the cost of delay for a 55-year-old business owner with significant assets and a large family is not abstract. It is specific, measurable and often irreversible.” He gave some examples:

No wills or trust. If you die without a will, your state more or less writes one for you. It will not reflect your wishes, it will not protect your children with special needs or your business partner, and it will likely earn a hefty fee for your attorney because of probate. The court fees could be very high.

Likewise, without a trust, assets aren’t protected, wishes aren’t followed, and your preferred heirs could be disinherited.

No buy-sell agreement. Without a buy-sell agreement, your spouse may become an involuntary business partner with your employees or co-owners. It happens every day, taking a wrecking ball to businesses and families simultaneously.

No life insurance structure. A million-dollar business can trigger significant estate tax exposure. Without proper planning, your heirs could be forced to fire-sell the business to pay the IRS. Often, these kinds of under-pressure sales happen at a fraction of the business’ value and at the worst possible time.

No health care proxy or power of attorney. A sudden illness or accident creates more than a medical crisis. Without these documents, a legal and financial crisis can follow, often requiring court intervention at enormous expense and emotional cost.

The remedy is easier than you think

“The initial meeting with an estate attorney and a financial planner,” DeStefano assures, “is typically two to three hours. That is it. You talk, you share some basic financial information, and the professionals take it from there. They do the heavy lifting.

“You do not need a ‘real block of time.’ You just need an appointment — and to be absolutely candid and open about all of your finances.”

So, how do you find a good financial planner and estate attorney? One way is to ask your CPA or other professionals you already know for a referral.

My approach, with my clients in the office, is to pick up the phone and call people I know, from experience, do a competent job, have compassion and good listening skills and make an appointment right then.

If they protest and say, “Dennis, please, I can call when I am ready,” my reply is, “Yes, I know you can, but you won’t. Now, you have the appointment. Please keep it. Your family and your employees will thank you.

“If you must reschedule, that’s OK. Just don’t waste my colleagues’ time by not showing up and not calling to cancel or reschedule.”

The takeaway

It is easy to see why DeStefano’s Wealth Your Way has become a bestseller. He cares, and he wrapped up our discussion with some down-to-earth commonsense advice:

“Dennis, no one is ever too busy to prevent a disaster. They are just not yet motivated enough to act before one arrives. Rick and Linda have spent 20 years making sure everyone else’s disaster gets cleaned up. Maybe it’s time for them to spend a few hours making sure their own never happens.”

Dennis Beaver Practices law in Bakersfield and welcomes comments and questions from readers,
which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993,
or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1 – at – Gmail.com.

The post Think You’re Too Busy to Do an Estate Plan? In 3 Hours (Seriously), You Could Save Your Heirs Months (or Years) of Stress and Heartache appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

There is no instruction manual for being a parent. Done properly — with strength and determination — it is a difficult job. Done poorly — by weak parents who cave into a child’s every demand — it may be superficially easier, but the results are predictable. Good parenting generally leads to the formation of a reasonably mature, competent adult. Those of lousy parenting often create a failure.

San Diego readers Glenn and Mary Anne are close to retirement. He has practiced optometry for over 30 years, while Mary Anne is an elementary school teacher. They have a 30-year-old daughter, “who is a well-paid Physicians Assistant in Mill Valley,” while their son Clark, “is a gifted 24-year-old with a fine mind but lazy, with an excuse for every short-coming. He’s working at a San Diego Costco in charge of Roasted Chickens,” the couple’s e-mail began.

Mom and Dad to the Rescue

“We have always bailed Clark out of everything, primarily when he overspent and needed money. He never establishes financial priorities. For the past year, he has been renting a house from us but has never paid the rent. It is $675, easily half of what it should be. We have read your column online for years, and felt that you could provide some practical, common sense advice, as this can’t go on forever,” their statement concluded.

The Problem is Rarely the Problem

After speaking with them for about a half an hour and how they provided for the two children in their estate plan, it was clear past-due rent was the least of their worries. Clark was a financial time-bomb. But the couple didn’t have a clue as to how much of a risk he was to their future plans.

I set up a conference call with him and his parents, immediately asking, “How soon can you and your wife move out?”

“Move OUT???” “What are you talking about?” he asked. “Who the ##$!!! are you?”

“I’m just a lawyer and newspaper writer, and I can see that your parents have to evict you for non-payment of rent.”

He and his wife were not living on welfare. Clark “managed” their finances, depositing both paychecks — $4,000 — into his account. Yet, he casually told me, “I owe about $2,000 to the gas and electric company, and around $5,000 in credit card debt.” “Don’t tell me. The credit card debt is for a big screen TV, right?” I asked. (That was a pure guess on my part — a lucky one!)

“Well, my parents agreed that I would pay whatever I could afford to pay for rent.” “Doesn’t it bother you that nothing at all has been paid for a rental which you have at a fraction of what a normal tenant would pay?” Clark’s answer? “The rent was their decision, and besides, they told me to pay what I could.”

The Earthquake Excuse — It’s not my Fault

I asked how Clark was months behind with his electric and gas bills. “Well, before they were about to turn me off, I went into their office, with $500 in cash to pay, but they said I could be put on a monthly average plan, and to not worry about paying that now. It was their fault I fell behind,” he matter-of-factly stated.

Our conversation went on like that, this 24-year-old young man blaming others for his financial irresponsibility. The excuses were brilliantly phrased; Clark was highly persuasive, articulate, quick, and could easily rationalize behavior which pointed in one direction: He lacks a moral compass and is completely unable to empathize. It is all about him: Narcissistic, self-centered. There is only one way to deal with such people; do not give them wiggle room. Don’t give them the chance to get into your pocket!

Our conversation was pleasant and I asked him to call me back the next day with his decision.

Mama!

Within 30 seconds of releasing Clark from the conference call, Mary Anne’s cell phone rang, sonny boy calling. She put it on hands-free.

“Are you really going to evict me? If you do, it will be the end of my marriage and I will lose my job,” he cried. “It will be in the hands of a San Diego lawyer tomorrow, so figure out what you are going to do, and call dad and me tonight,” she replied in an ice-cold voice.

Later that evening, they agreed on weekly payments of $250.

Find an Independent Trustee

When that call ended, I asked Mary Anne to describe their daughter. “Just the opposite of Clark. She’s like me, an enabler, weak and caves in easily.” “In your will and family trust, how do you provide for the two kids?” I asked.

“Our daughter is to manage all of the trust assets, and has freedom to pay Clark’s living expenses.”

“Your son is strong, bright, persuasive and, in my opinion, not especially moral. Your daughter is weak. This is an ideal situation for Clark. He will probably swindle her out of even her own trust money, just as he has manipulated you for years,” I said.

I urged them to immediately get into the offices of an Estate Planning attorney and have their Trust and Will re-drafted. “Your daughter should not be the trustee, but rather, someone who Clark cannot control,” I stressed. Both agreed.

Parents who are always there, always give, shield their children from feeling the pain of every wrong decision may live to see the day when, they too, become a victim.

As of the date this story was written, Clark is making those weekly rent payments.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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