“We are both 28, have been married three years, and the recession left us out of a job in the financial services field. Now, we are considering law school, but have heard from friends that the law school experience can ruin a marriage. We would really like to have your thoughts on this subject. Thanks. Ricky and Sharon, from Eureka.”

“Your readers have asked an important question,” commented Ann Levine and Derek Roberti, both California-based, nationally recognized law school admissions advisors.

“Yes, it absolutely is a risk to marriage,” Levine stated, and repeated a law school dean’s warning to a group of married law students on the first day of class:

“Look to the left. Look to the right. By the end of your first year in school, one marriage will be in trouble. In the second year, it will be in worse shape. And by the end of the third year, they will have been separated or divorced for months.”

Law school consumes your entire life

As it is becoming more common for both spouses to study law, Roberti outlined three situations where law school can ruin a marriage:

1) The husband is admitted to a local law school, and the wife to a school which is far away;

2) They attend different law schools in the same city;

3) They are admitted to differently ranked schools, where one spouse gets into a “better” school.

“The spouse who gets into the better school must make a choice: Does she attend her husband’s law school together with him, and give up the potential of what that ‘better’ school could mean for her, later on? Should she do this for the sake and stability of their marriage?

“Of course, usually, just one spouse attends law school, “and this in itself often leads to another, serious challenge to the marriage,” Roberti points out.

“It is fear, the unmistakable feeling that they are slipping away from each other. One is going to law school, the other is not, two lives a shadow of what they were, just weeks before.”

Levine believes it is critical to understand “just how much law school tends to consume your entire life.”

“Studying to become a lawyer is like no other academic subject. You are learning a thinking process, and spending enormous amounts of time in and outside of class doing so. If your relationship is one where a lot of attention to each other and time has been the norm, that time is not going to be there,” she cautions.

“Law school separates you both from that prior life of togetherness,” Roberti observes.

“Law students acquire separate friends, likely spending recreational time with them, working on school research projects and are occupied much of the time. For a marriage to succeed under these conditions requires each member of the couple to be comfortable being very independent, and a long-term view of the relationship.

“As school is so consuming, and such an unbelievably insecure experience, especially in the first year, a great deal of hand-holding and reassurance that all is well with the world is essential for some spouses. It can work, and the chances increase if the couple actually become good buddies, which is so important in the long term,” he maintains.

Is there a law student personality?

“Successful law students often have a Type A personality: driven, organized, planners, focused and academically oriented. Spending time with your spouse isn’t included in that definition,” Roberti is quick to highlight.

“Successful students might not like the study of law, but know how to approach it. So, if you are good at being a student – especially if you enjoy learning and really like school – then you will excel in law school. But if not, and especially if your writing skills are marginal, you may have problems, and that’s not going to help a marriage.

“Law school requires a certain amount of surrender: your personality, your time, your focus on learning the law and test taking. You’ve got to go to class, study and read more than you ever have in your life, often several hours per class. If you have three hours of class a day, you will have six hours of study after that. When you add to that participation in things such as law review, and other student activities, a legal education takes control of your life for those three years of full-time study,” he concludes.

And then? After graduation, and the bar exam, swearing in, becoming a lawyer, beginning that first job, working over 70 hours a week, then we might remember what we also heard from a law professor our first day in class:

“The law is a jealous mistress and requires a long and constant courtship.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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September 19, 2015 • By Dennis Beaver

Over 40 years ago, fresh out of his second residency in internal medicine —as he was a foreign medical graduate — Internist “Dr. Lee” and his family traded hot and humid New Orleans for the equally hot, but dry, California Central Valley.

Then, as today, this agricultural powerhouse has been unable to attract an adequate number of physicians, so when a doctor moves here — especially to the more rural — areas it is a headline-grabbing event.

However, despite the obvious need, foreign-trained physicians in the 1970s often received a frigid reception, bordering on outright bias, prejudice and discrimination.

This hostility did not originate in the general population, but from American doctors, notwithstanding the fact that the foreign medical graduates completed an internship or residency in their home country, learned English, did a second residency in the U.S., and passed the same tests as U.S. trained physicians.

In reality, it was mostly about competition, but the stated reason for trying to keep foreign docs out was, “their lack of competence,” as we learned, invited to a lunch meeting where several highly regarded physicians met to discuss ways of “discouraging” foreign medical graduates from moving to the Central Valley.

Through clouds of cigarette smoke, it had the feeling of a Mafia sit-down, as a cardiologist, came clean:

“We do not have the population to accommodate all of these specialists. Also, there is more to being a good doctor than passing a test, as language skills are critical. Often patients and nurses simply cannot understand them.

“Can we legally make their lives miserable so they understand we do not want them here?” he asked.

Our answer had one word: No.

A thriving practice quickly grew

“Dr. Lee” quickly overcame these challenges, earning respect from colleagues, love from his patients, and becoming “the doctor’s doctor,” treating other physicians and their families. Deeply caring, he often spoke of, “The joy, the wonderful gift in being the family doctor for second and third generations of patients.”

Within a few years, his thriving practice added two physicians and a large support staff. Unfortunately, an unwelcome by-product of his success was the development by “Mrs. Lee” what is referred to as “The Doctor’s Wife Syndrome,” the main characteristics of which are an air of superiority and entitlement through marriage to a doctor or other well-paid professionals.

Automotive service writers know this difficult personality well.

Even when clearly wrong, she was a powerful force few would challenge. With the spotlight of respect and popularity shining on the doctor, she bathed in its reflected light, living through him, as meanness and need to control everyone around her took root.

“Do not ever disagree with ‘Mrs. Lee,’ ” was the mantra of all who knew her.

When the doctor himself was hospitalized with a life-threatening illness, only one family from their church spent time, offering her support. “Ungrateful users,” she proclaimed, not hearing the message sent by the congregation.

Years later, this attitude would have dramatic legal and economic consequences.

‘Your patients are at risk’

In early 2013, “Dr. Lee” was having trouble recalling dosages of commonly prescribed medications, and the names of patients with him in the examination room. “Just getting older,” he would joke about these lapses.

A neurologist friend examined him, bluntly stating: “You are exhibiting the first stages of Alzheimer’s disease and your patients are at risk. I am not reporting you to the Medical Board, but you must stop treating patients. Quietly retire and sell your practice.”

Rejecting the diagnosis and claiming that the neurologist was incompetent, “Mrs. Lee” insisted that her husband not retire. Consequently, he continued to see patients until late-2014.

When “Mrs. Lee” was visiting friends in San Francisco, daughter Stephanie, concerned about her father’s appearance and changes in personality, took dad to a neurological clinic in Los Angeles where an angry physician said, “You are a danger to your patients and should have quit a year ago. I am reporting you to the Medical Board today!”

Dr. Lee’s practice had value

“The value of the practice of a sole practitioner — doctor, lawyer, dentist or CPA — resides mainly in that person, the business having much less value without the professional.

“With other physicians employed and a large patient base, a practice remains a valuable asset as long as nothing is done to cause patients to leave before a sale,” observes Lake Oswego, Oregon-based management consultant Gary Goldstick, author of Business Rx, a book that in our opinion should be on the shelves of every business owner.

If you were a patient, how would the following line from “Dr. Lee’s” very sad “Letter to My Patients” affect you? “I am retiring immediately.”

Next time: Fire Sale!

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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“Getting married to a police officer requires considering realities which apply to no other occupation,” in the view of Santa Maria, California-based private investigator, Riley Parker. You and the Law sat down with the former Bakersfield Police Officer, and asked his advice for our reader, Cindy, who plans to marry a cop.

1.  Your husband will never have consistent weekends off; will spend at least one-third of his career working a shift other than days, including evenings and “The Graveyard Shift.”
2. How will you feel on “date night,” when he has a gun and handcuffs in his pocket just to go see a movie, or to a house of worship?
3. Days will be spent in court, often after working all night, coming home to shower, change clothes, and be at court by 9 a.m., then spending hours sitting on a hallway bench, or at counsel table with the prosecutor. This can repeat days, even weeks, returning home for a four or five hour nap before returning to another overnight shift and it all starts again.
4. Working sleep deprived, the risk of injury or death is increased. A split second decision, if wrong could end his career-or even worse — his life. Exhausted, he will often not be the best of company, nor, at those times, the romantic partner you fell in love with.
5. Hearing, seeing and smelling things that you can’t imagine, at times he will seem especially withdrawn after having experienced something that is just too horrible to share. Not wanting you to experience the sights, sounds and smell of death, whether of violent or natural causes, it will be locked away inside of him, simmering.
6. Holidays are especially difficult. You want to visit relatives for a few days but hubby is working overtime because senior officers took vacation time. If you go, you will go alone, and you will be resentful of his absence.
7. Someday it will seem as if your husband has become closer to his co-workers than to you — and if his “partner” is a woman it will be especially concerning. Realize this does not mean infidelity. But spending between 8 and 10 hours together, four to six shifts a week results in a strong bond, as they depend upon on each other in life-threatening situations. “Brothers and Sisters in Law Enforcement” is a term you will come to understand. They know how the other will react when bad stuff happens, and it does. They console one another after sharing a call involving the death of a child, a brutal murder scene, or a horrific suicide.
8.  Your husband will never be as close to anyone as to the people he depends upon and who depend upon him. You will hear, “They have my back,” whether it is a bar fight, a high speed pursuit, a neighborhood search for a murder suspect, a gunfight with an escapee from prison, or the tragedy of losing a partner or friend who is injured or killed in the line of duty.
9. At times you may feel he is becoming secretive, and you are right, but not for the reasons you suspect. Sometimes information simply cannot be shared with anyone “not part of the investigation.” At other times, it is to protect you from something he fears is too ugly to reveal.
10. You will both want to have children, but always remember there will be times when you’ll be alone at PTA meetings, back to school nights, soccer games, swim meets, medical appointments or birthday parties. Picture yourself as a single parent because that’s what you are when your husband is at work.
11. To rise in the ranks of law enforcement, requires a degree beyond an AA or bachelor’s degree. If he seeks a higher position in the department, this generally means obtaining a master’s degree in public administration. And so, as he attends school for two years, you will have the sense that the family has been abandoned. Please avoid that feeling, as this man who loves you and the children is only doing this for the benefit of the family.
12. Consider the ultimate risk, the danger of death or injury every time he leaves for work. Then look at his use of deadly force to protect himself, his partner or a citizen, knowing the intense scrutiny he will be exposed to, being second guessed? Can you cope with your husband being labeled a “killer?”

We at You and the Law add the following: “Cindy, in a law enforcement marriage you become part of one of the most satisfying and respected careers that exists. Consider the risks and rewards and look deeply into your soul to make the decision.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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“I am a senior at UCLA and my boyfriend (Hans) is a Swedish graduate student who I love and want to marry. Last summer, we visited his hometown — Stockholm — and I just fell in love with Sweden. It is just like the USA and I could easily live there,” Anna’s e-mail began.

“Hans tells me in Sweden couples living together have most of the same legal protections as if they were married. He does not want to get married now. My grandparents read your column and tell me that you are an especially good person to ask about these issues because you know the language and have spent time there. If you had a family member in my situation, what would you advise?

“Toto, We’re Not in Kansas Anymore…”

Anna is lucky to have grandparents who risk tossing cold water on her plans. Experience and caution learned across the years is difficult to pass along to someone in love and 21 years of age. This young lady was facing both legal and cultural challenges of which she had no idea.

“How important is marriage — really going through a marriage ceremony? Also, what are your political views. Liberal? Conservative? Republican? Democrat? Finally, how important is personal giving — charitable giving — to you or your family?” I asked.

“I am Catholic and, yes, marriage is important to me. I do understand that it is fairly common in some European countries to live together prior to marriage and I could see myself doing that, briefly. I am Republican, support our President and am proud of my country,” she replied.

“In terms of charitable giving, like my parents, I have always supported a variety of causes and organizations out of my own earnings. I would assume that to be the same in Sweden, as their standard of living is higher than in the States and they have so many things we do not, such as health insurance for everyone provided by their government. It is only right to give back to your community, don’t you agree?” she asked.

Indeed, I agree with her, giving back is important to Americans, from those with modest incomes to the very wealthy. We are a generous people on a personal level. There is nothing similar in Sweden.

“If it is important for you to be in the company of people who will reach into their own pockets to support good things, you will be disappointed. There is no culture of giving, even shockingly, among those Swedes who earn large incomes. And, believe me, they could if they wanted to, but simply refuse,” I pointed out.

Take No Stand

Anna’s comments and assumptions about life in Sweden invite serious disappointment. I can say this because I have spent a great deal of time there, speak the language, admire its educational system and generally like the people and their country.

Yet, I find them to be an enormous disappointment and tragic victims of 200 years of political neutrality.

“Take no stand, no position on anything, especially do not admit that you like the USA” is the way Sweden has been explained to me by a number of Swedish educators. “We still have a Communist Party here, believe it or not!” I was told.

Let’s Live Together — Why Get Married?

So, why do Swedes live together without getting married? I asked a Swedish Divorce lawyer, who I will just call David.

“Many of us feel that it is an extension of our politics, a refusal to commit or to take a position. It is a certain national cowardice we suffer from, never sticking our necks out. It’s what we are told is the right thing to do. Yes, these living together relationships are similar to marriage, and the children are protected, but it is not marriage. Sure, many Swedes do live together faithfully as any husband and wife would, but deep down, it isn’t the same thing, not legally and certainly not the same level of commitment.”

“Tell your American reader to mature a bit before taking such a huge leap. At 21, when you are in love and have limited life experience, it is dangerous to leave home for a new country. Tell her to come here, perhaps study — certainly to study her boyfriend — and see if she could fit it,” he suggested.

“We are called the Japanese of Europe. Friendly on the outside, but a riddle and difficult for outsiders to know what we really think or mean, especially if you do not know our language,” David concluded.

Legal Issues

The legal issues here are something which Anne must be aware of. Over the years, I have spoken with many Americans living in Sweden in precisely the same kind of situation her boyfriend desires. While legal protections for couples “living together” are far greater than in the USA, it is still not marriage, and should Anna desire to return home, with children, she could face hurdles undreamed of.

The State Department Weighs In

“Tell your reader to get online and do her research,” were the comments from a Desk Officer I spoke with at our State Department. “Take off the blindfold. Listen to the advice of your grandparents. Go there, spend time, see if you like it, and see if you can legally qualify for residence in Sweden. Just realize that the State Department has an entire department devoted to international custody cases — children taken against the wishes of a mother or father,” she pointed out.

“At 21, love often dictates behavior. Her boyfriend may be a great guy, or just someone who wants a fling for a while. If she really wants to move there, then Anna will have to apply for residence, just as would someone coming to the States. It will take time, and hopefully during those many months, she will better understand herself, and have a clearer look into her future.”

I couldn’t say it better myself.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post How Swede it is appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

“Your articles on what law school can do to married couples were sent to me by my parents who live in the Central San Joaquin Valley. I am at university in Boston dating a third-year Harvard law student, and we have been talking about getting married,” Kim wrote.

“He is brilliant and has been offered a great-paying job with a Los Angeles law firm in their litigation department, so it would seem that his professional and financial future is secure.

“Your articles really made me think. I want a husband who will be there for the family, home for dinner, conversation with the kids, spending time with us all on weekends. I am not looking for a palace to live in, but a life much as I had growing up, where dad was not some phantom figure we saw once in a while.

“Is it wrong to let my decision to marry him be influenced by his occupation, or the time demands that I know he will face? Is this being selfish? I know you are not a marriage counselor, but I’ll bet you know someone who has been in my situation.”

Up at 7, home by 8:30 in the evening

We put our reader’s question to Victoria Peterson of La Canada, Calif., who “faced some of these very same questions and decided that, even with what I knew would be significant demands on my husband’s time, he was still the man I loved and wanted to marry,” she told us.

That was 38 years ago, we would learn during our discussion with a woman who radiated a deep respect, friendship and love for her husband, George Peterson. Peterson is a graduate of Loyola University School of Law at Los Angeles and is considered one of our nation’s finest medical malpractice defense attorneys.

While eager to share her experiences, she provided a warning to anyone who thinks, “there is something glamorous about being married to a lawyer.”

“As my husband represents doctors in medical malpractice cases, I see the very real similarities between time demands of these two occupations, and what this means for families,” she observes.

“Don’t ever think that being a lawyer or a physician is an easy job. Yes, if you are good at it, there will be financial rewards, but often at a deep emotional cost. Clients or patients look to you for help; you have their futures in your hands. Add to that your own family – you are away in trial, or called to the hospital, missing a child’s birthday party – this can easily create guilt feelings which must be dealt with,” she added.

“Private practice is not a 9-to-5 job. Much like law enforcement, it can unexpectedly require a great deal of time away from home. This is why you need to look into your future as a couple, and especially to time issues, well before deciding to be married.

“If you want children, it is critical to reach a clear decision as to who will raise the kids. When George and I got married, we had that discussion and agreed that would primarily be my role. I knew it was important for him to succeed, and as a trial lawyer, this required enormous amounts of time.

“George gets up by seven and comes home around 8 to 8:30 on a routine basis. He has had much less time with our three children than many fathers. That is a reality – limited time with family. I always kept the kids up, so they could see dad,” she explained.

“But he would come to their soccer games, and when I needed him to be home, he would always be there for me and for the kids.

“I would tell Kim that, if she and her Harvard boyfriend do get married, when she needs him to be there, speak up! Be insistent! Remember, if you marry a trial lawyer, make sure that he knows who is judge and jury at home,” she said with a broad smile.

Having coffee with the jury

“One of the really great things about our marriage is that George has involved me in his cases as if I were a member of the jury. I am interested in what he does, and in medicine, which is also a large part of my life,” she told us.

While not a doctor, medicine is indeed a large part of her working life, as a chaplain at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles.

“In any marriage, you need to remain interesting to each other. That has been one of the greatest gifts my husband gave to me. He has always been delighted to see me spread my wings.”

Victoria Peterson is proof that it is indeed possible to actually love a lawyer!

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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It was a beautiful spring morning in the California’s southern San Joaquin Valley, a Friday when Maria and her two friends were westbound on Highway 119, headed to their jobs in Taft. All three lived with their families and children in the small town of Wasco-50 miles away.

Saturday would be a very special day indeed, a day filled with laughter, good food and friends, all celebrating a little boy’s birthday, Maria’s son Pedro would be one year old.

But for Maria, there would be no Saturday.

Racing to work, traveling east on that same highway, morning sunshine pouring into her eyes, Susan attempted one too many over-the-double-yellow-lines passing moves.

A week later two profoundly grieving brothers walked into our office, one was little Pedro’s father, Raul.

“We were going to get married”

A lawyer’s office can have the same feeling of an ER.  Or of a funeral home.

“I don’t know what to do, what to feel, all I do is cry,” said Raul.  “Maria was my entire life. She was only 25 and we were together three years.

“Can you help us, my son and myself?”  Asked this father, tears flowing down his face. There was not a dry eye in our office.

With my paralegal, Anne, the four of us just talked with him, about where he came from, his job, how he met Maria.  “It was at a dance,” he said with a smile-and a look which for that brief moment, erased the days of profound sorrow. “It was love at first sight, and in no time at all, we were living together.”

“When did you get married?” Anne asked. The answer upset us both.

“When I knew that we were going to become a family, I said that we needed to be married, but Maria told me there was no hurry, to save our money for a big wedding and invite everyone.”

“I have invited everyone, everyone we know, to her funeral, next week,” he replied, breaking down.

“If you get a settlement from the other driver, please do something to arrange for a better future for our son, and something to help me raise him, daycare, something like that,” he tearfully asked.

Yes, we would obtain a settlement, but there was something we dared not tell him that day. He had been through enough.

The consequences of having children and not being married

In most states, the ability to make a claim or file a lawsuit when a loved one is killed, as here, depends on the legal relationship of the parties. Married couples have that right, as do close relatives.

But unmarried couples generally do not.

So, while there would be a very large settlement for their child, nothing would go to the father.

We negotiated a structured settlement, payments starting at age 19. This would provide Pedro with a terrific college education, and substantial amounts of money, across 20 years, to help him with his own family.

These were the things his father wanted, “What Maria would have wanted, a good education and career,” Raul told us.

Then, in the blink of an eye, 18 years passed.

Be careful of who you date and what you tell her

That infant we saw in our office was now a young man, sitting beside the father who never remarried.

 “Now, my son will have a better life. I feel Maria’s presence here, today, because of what you did for us so long ago,” he said, crying good tears.

We explained to Pedro the risks of telling anyone that he would be receiving a great deal of money, not to loan a cent and not to go crazy buying things. Above all, to be careful of who he dated and what he told about his past and the structured settlement.

“We care about you, and about your father. Please honor your mother’s memory. This is all she could give you. Don’t waste it. Remember, your mom’s death made all of this possible,” Anne told him, with a great big hug. Now, she was crying.

One year later, Pedro returned to our office with his cute, blonde, pregnant fiancée, Cindy, dollar signs in her eyes.

The $50,000 he had received — for college tuition — instead bought two cars, one for each of them. He was in debt, and was going to cash in the entire settlement! Hearing that, I felt sick.

“So, when are you getting married?” we asked the couple.

“No hurry. Just as soon as we can save for a big wedding and invite everyone,” Cindy replied.

For readers in the same position, if you love each other, and have children, think twice about not getting married. There are no guarantees that Saturday will ever come.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post One good reason to get married appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

October 10, 2015 • By Dennis Beaver

“Close to 15 years ago you wrote a wonderful article about a divorce case where the mother kept the children away from their father. Something amazing happened when that story ran, because we were going through a divorce, talked about your story, and met for coffee. We cried, stopped the divorce and have been together ever since.

“Now, our son and his wife have separated. They have two lovely kids. I am looking for a miracle, Dennis. If you can find that powerful story, and your editors allow you to run it again, will you please. Thanks, John and Rose.”

We found the story.

In my town, “Divorce Court” is in Department 13 of our Superior Court. It is an appropriately named, bad luck, sad place. If you believe that rooms and buildings can possess a spirit, then those of Department 13 are tormented, as are so many of the people waiting for their cases to be called.

When child custody and visitation battles erupt in this courtroom, spectators are far too often treated to a bad situation made worse by lawyers who care only about winning — doing whatever it is that the client wants — and who have no concern for what the children need.

Some family law attorneys pride themselves on never speaking to the children alone, the justification given: “Well, I don’t want anyone to accuse me of telling the kids what to say.” This excuse is a convenient way of never hearing what the child wants.

When a client is paying hundreds of dollars per court appearance and tells a lawyer to do everything possible to limit visitation with the other parent, few family law attorneys care about a child who wants to spend more time – or worse yet – wants to live with the other parent.

The foundations of a stable society begin with family. When, in the name of “zealously representing the client” lawyers simply do as instructed – without regard for what we are doing – then we may harm the children, and even our own client in the long run.

Family court should not be a place of where it is only a question of “Whatever my client wants me to do, I will.” But it is that way, often with painful results.

For children have long memories. When they discover the real reason that they only saw Dad once in a while was because Mom set up road blocks to visitation, guess who gets the blame? Mom and her lawyer.

When they discover that Dad didn’t forget their birthday and that his Christmas presents never made it under the tree, it is Dad who they will seek, as Mom becomes a faded memory of their past.

This past Thanksgiving holiday, just as I was locking up the office early on Wednesday, a couple — brother and sister in their early 20s — came by the office and asked if I had a minute.

“You probably don’t remember us, but you handled our father’s divorce about 10 years ago. We were about 12 or 13 at the time,” said the woman. “We both vividly remember that Mom didn’t want us to spend much time with our father, and there was a very loud discussion in the hallway right outside the courtroom,” she explained.

“You bought us a soda and we talked — just the three of us. We actually wanted to live with Dad. But we were afraid to say this in front of her. And you told the other lawyer to please talk with us, but he wouldn’t,” the brother added.

“We weren’t allowed in the courtroom, and never knew what happened, but found out years later that she and her lawyer did everything possible to keep us away from him. It was only when we got older — and started asking questions of other family members — that we learned just how much she did to prevent us from having a loving relationship with our father.

“This Thanksgiving we’re spending with him. It will be his last, as he is terminally ill. We just wanted to thank you for talking with us in court that day and trying to get us more time with Dad,” the sister said, weeping.

“We won’t talk to our mother anymore. She robbed us of a father who loved us and who we could have loved. He was a decent man and we needed him. We blamed her and her lawyer. If he had just taken the time to talk to us, I can’t help wondering if things would have turned out differently,” the brother said.

In this case and so many others, I have wondered the same thing.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post Remember the kids in a divorce appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

“I am getting married to a police officer and want to stay married, aware that law enforcement has a high divorce rate. Do you have any recommendations? Thanks, Cindy.”

To answer Cindy’s question, You and the Law spoke with law enforcement couples who shared with us a deep dedication to their marriages and an understanding of what it takes to remain together, married to a cop, and as we’ll see, overcoming feelings of abandonment can be the greatest challenge of all.

The danger — Will he come home from work?

“You have to face and accept the danger of this job,” Pam Sever of Hanford told us:

“My husband, could potentially be killed on or off the job. I made up my mind that I would not let it get to me.”

Married 21 years to Parker Sever, Acting Chief of Police of the Hanford P.D. when this story was written, Pam credits a number of specific factors in what she describes as a very happy marriage.

“I made myself forget about the risks of his job when he went to work. Also, he does not bring work home with him. He is lighthearted with a great sense of humor as a coping mechanism which helps him deal with the things he has witnessed.”

Similar feelings were shared by Denise Westlund, whose husband, Per, is a Hanford Police Department School Resource Officer.

“You have to deal with the idea that every day he goes to work, he may not come home. That is the reality of being married to a police officer, and with police now being targeted by crazies, their families have an increased level of anxiety.

“Reality is that police are often seen in a negative light, especially when someone gets a ticket, while firefighters receive compliments, which they deserve and is understandable. Police wives are driven crazy by news reports which portray officers badly and often completely ignore the facts, placing so much emphasis on bad cops.

“Wouldn’t it be nice if the many things our police officers do which protect society were shown in a positive light?” There is a need for more balance in the media,” she strongly maintains. Husband Per agrees and understands the public’s unpleasant reaction to many encounters with law enforcement, explaining:

“We are clearly in more of a negative role and not appreciated to the same degree as firefighters. What they do is seen as positive, while we take away the father, make an arrest for DUI, write a speeding ticket, things which everyone will agree are unpleasant encounters with law enforcement.”

“Does the worry that he may not come home ever go away?” we asked.

While Pam and Denise instantly replied, Never, Per offered this reassuring comment:

“Cops understand that our wives fear the unknown, yet learn over time to trust that we aren’t going to jump into crazy situations, and are not going to put our lives in danger unless we have to.”

Patience and flexibility required as time demands are unpredictable

Law enforcement divorce has been the subject of many research studies, many of which point out something often not thought of before the wedding ceremony, and that’s patience and flexibility, qualities topping the list for Pam and Denise.

“Before saying I do, Cindy needs to know herself well enough to determine if she has a personality well suited to be married to a cop. Patience is crucial, as is the ability of taking things in stride. Last minute things will come up and you need to get into a mindset that things like this will happen. Being flexible is absolutely required,” Pam underscores.

“You’ve got to realize that it will be impossible to have a structured family life,” Denise points out. “Forget dinner with hubby and kids around the table at a certain time, big party plans, travel, vacation, or date night. You must be flexible as your plans can change with one phone call and you can feel abandoned.

“Many time Per says he is coming home, but a call comes in. It is not his fault. You have to accept that reality or it will drive you crazy.”

“To be a good wife of a police officer, it is not for the weak, you cannot be self-centered, needy, clingy, insecure or high maintenance. This is not a 9 to 5 job and that fact must be accepted or Cindy’s marriage will fail,” she cautions.

Leaving not a dry eye in the room, Denise Westlund revealed a necklace with Per’s badge number, “Which is close to my heart, and I carry him with me, throughout my day, as I know there are bad possibilities.”

Next time: 12 Golden Rules which will keep Cindy and her husband together.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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Once upon a time in a small Northern California town that reminds you of “Back to the Future,” lived two high school sweethearts, Ali and Mike. After graduation they married, promptly had two children, now grown and starting families of their own.

54 percent of “high school sweetheart” marriages fail within 10 years. But they just celebrated, “26 years of happy married life, in fact, we have known Mike since he was a young boy, and all of us have a great relationship,” Ali’s father wrote.

“She has always supported Mike’s desire to advance in his career. With overtime, he earns over $130,000 a year. Ali runs her own part-time book-keeping business, and makes around $25,000,” her father explained.

“Had a great relationship” would have been a better choice of words, as “Last Monday, Mike informed Ali that he no longer wants to be married, claiming that there is no one else and that she’s not the problem.”

“For the past two years he has been distant,” Ali explained, and when asked what reason Mike gave for not wanting to be married, stated, “He says that he wants to come and go as he pleases without being tied down. But he always did — dirt bike riding with friends, we camped, hiked, he worked in his garage — he always had complete freedom and we even bought a camper.”

After close to 30 years of married life — in a good marriage — loving husbands don’t want more freedom, unless it is freedom from this wife.

“He was unfaithful before, right?”

“Yes, long ago, right after we were married, but how could you possibly know that?

“By spending 25 years in divorce court.”

This couple are still living in the same house which is not a healthy situation, emotionally, physically and from a financial perspective. If Mike has any bully tendencies, Ali is at risk. He needs to leave the home immediately.

Living under the same roof with Mr. I Betrayed You — despite his denial — is an invitation to more than an ulcer, especially when, “Yesterday, he did something very strange. Normally, I buy his underwear, on sale, but he went out and purchased designer underwear and cologne, and he never wears cologne!”

I rest my case as to Mike’s concept of marital fidelity, yet that is the least of Ali’s concerns.

She now must protect herself financially, especially when Mike announced, “Sure, I will help you get on your feet with a few hundred dollars each month for a little while.”

Clearly, Mr. Faithful didn’t do his homework.

Probably not having a clue at just how expensive divorce is when you are in a long-term marriage, Mike’s new girlfriend is not going to be a happy camper when she realizes that spousal support (alimony) payments will likely be from $28,000 to $35,000 a year. That means sweetie pie will have much less of Mike’s money to spend than she figured.

Husbands earning Mike’s level of income do not have the luxury of saying Adios to wife without “Maintaining the standard of living established during the marriage,” as Family Code Section 4320 sets out. The longer the marriage, the longer support will typically be ordered.

Lawyers are often asked by panicky clients leaving a long marriage if they could be ordered to pay lifetime support. Unless the parties agree otherwise, courts generally retain jurisdiction over support with marriages over ten years duration.

As it seems unlikely Ali will ever have an earning capacity remotely close to that of Mike, he should expect automatic deductions from his paychecks for a long time to come. When Mike awakens from his “I Want to be Free” fog, Ali is going to face great pressure to reduce the time of alimony payments. If she agrees, that would be a monumental mistake.

Ali needs to immediately photocopy all their financial information, including home, bank accounts, automobiles, insurance — everything. It should be safely stored away from the family residence, even if Mike moves out. She also needs to change the locks.

Especially important are life insurance and retirement documents, verifying that she is listed as the beneficiary.

Finally, Ali must retain her own lawyer, making no decisions and taking no actions with Mike unless she runs it first by counsel.

Studying a menu is one thing. Placing an extra-large order of Forbidden Fruit is something far different. The touch, the scent, the feeling, so enticing, new, different, just delicious. Yet some contain pits, precisely what husband Mike will soon feel, the pits.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post The cost of divorce appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

Sergeant David Lostaunau of the Kern County Sheriff’s Office can easily describe how the use of any weapon — from a .22 pistol to a .50 caliber machine gun — will bring a quick resolution to many issues facing police on the streets.

“But often, there is a much better way than force,” Lostaunau tells You and the Law.

His resume is impressive: 28 years as a deputy sheriff, range master and use of force coordinator. “While peace officers need to know when they are authorized to use force, there is one technique, one tactic, that can be just as effective, and where no one is hurt,” he points out.

“It is simply by using our voice. If ever the saying, ‘You get a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar,’ applies, it does to both the stress and conflict which peace officers face and to family life as well.”

It’s called Verbal Judo

That tactic is called Verbal Judo and has many similarities with judo, the martial art, as the deputy sheriff explains:

“In judo, an opponent’s force, strength and movements are used to your benefit. While it is a contact sport, winning is dependent upon mental skill, not force. Verbal Judo uses some of the very same tools of the judo masters, but without laying a finger on anyone.

“A parent, screaming at their 15-year-old son for refusing to clean his room, has a great deal of similarity to a traffic officer trying to get an irate driver to sign a speeding ticket. Or to go a step further; to arrest and handcuff a husband who has just been in a physical fight with his wife, or arresting a drunk in a bar.

“While cops have the training, and legal right to use force in certain circumstances, today police officers throughout America are being taught to ask themselves this question: Does the risk of using force outweigh the benefits? How can I redirect someone’s anger and frustration into voluntary compliance and achieve the best possible outcome for everyone?

“The same type of thought process is what families need to look at when faced with the child who won’t clean his room, or a husband and wife dealing with far more serious issues and are prepared to get into a verbal knockdown, drag-out [fight],” he reasons.

Redirecting the force

“In judo, we redirect an opponent’s force and weight to achieve a takedown and win the match. In families, the real win is a constructive outcome for everyone, and it can be accomplished by applying the same rules of judo. So practically speaking, here is what law enforcement officers are taught, and how your readers can apply these concepts at home:

1) “Acknowledge feelings and right to be upset. Neighbors call the authorities because they hear screaming coming from next door. Deputies arrive, enter the house and the husband is yelling at them for being there. A well-trained officer might say, ‘I understand you are upset that we are here, and with your help and cooperation, we can leave quickly.’

“By verbally recognizing the husband’s understandable anger, this communicates the officer’s good faith and desire to be problem solver. The result? Just as in judo, we take the aggression and use it to the advantage of everyone in that room. At home, empathy goes a long way. By simply admitting that your son or spouse certainly has a right to be upset, we can focus on dealing with real problem and not ego.

2) “Avoid responding to anger and frustration with more of the same: Name-calling and emptying the gunnysack filled with all of the past perceived sins will do nothing to solve today’s problem. So, by agreeing that perhaps you are a bit of a jerk, but right now we need to solve this problem, no one will become inflated with adrenaline.

3) “Use positive feedback when you least want to: A law enforcement officer might thank someone for not fighting after chasing that person to take them into custody. Of course, the cop is no doubt very upset, and saying thanks would appear to be the last thing in the world anyone would think normal. The perpetrator can’t change the fact that he ran, but when the officer acknowledges the little bit of good he did by not fighting, you increase the chance of future compliance.

“By focusing on positive performance rather than negative, we develop an atmosphere of growth and good faith. As important as it is to correct deficiencies, it is more important to acknowledge accomplishments. In so doing, we increase the chance for future success,” the Kern County deputy sheriff maintains.

Closely related to Verbal Judo is yet another law enforcement technique with direct application to family life, and we’ll tell you about it next week.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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