For anyone in the dating scene–high school, college, divorced or who has lost a spouse, please cast your vote for either (A) or (B):

(A) I want to be romantically involved with someone kind, caring, honest, pays their part of the restaurant tab, does not constantly blame or put me down, has a good relationship with friends and their own family, OR:

(B) A user, a con, twists the truth, a manipulator needing constant praise, jealous of me and my accomplishments, treats others as all good or all bad, emotional, aggressive, mistrustful, controlling, nasty to family members, creates conflict and steals from me my sense of who I am.

All those who chose (A) please raise your hands. Good. Now, those who selected (B) please step outside, and you’ll see two gentlemen in white coats who have a nice jacket (with no sleeves) for you to wear on your trip to Happy Acres Mental Hospital for People Who Keep on Finding Crazies to Date.

High conflict people have the power to do us real harm

How many times have you heard a friend say, “It seems that I am always picking the wrong kind of person to date?” Maybe you’ve even said this yourself, after coming out of a true nightmarish relationship. But what if you never allowed that first or second date to go any further?

Why is it that our internal radar – our gut feelings – which at some point say, ‘Trouble! Stay away!’ but we don’t listen? What explains this phenomenon, and is there a way to recognize those people who have the power to do us real harm emotionally and even physically?

Indeed, there is, and if ever there was a book that should be required reading at every high school, college, and given to people just divorced, who have lost a spouse, or come from a family where conflict was a daily occurrence, then “Dating Radar – Why Your Brain says Yes to ‘The One’ Who Will Make Your Life Hell,” is it.

The authors of “Dating Radar” have years of experience dealing with the damage caused by what they refer to as High Conflict People (HCP.)
Based in San Diego, they are family law attorney Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter, who spent years a family law specialist with the Administrative Office of the Arizona Supreme Court.

First few dates tell all if you are observant

So, how do you know if the person you are dating is an HCP, someone who goes from nice to nasty, and in a truly evil manner? What behaviors reveal that you are dating someone who, as Hunter puts it, “Follows the same script their entire life, first charming their victim and then creating more misery than they ever could dream possible.”

Eddy describes an HCP, emphasizing, “This is not a diagnosis. It’s a description of high-conflict patterns of behavior, and there is considerable overlap with people who have true mental health diagnoses, including narcissists, sociopaths, borderline personality, histrionic behavior and paranoia. But you can be an HCP without having true mental illness.

“These people are rigid, uncompromising, repeat failed strategies, refuse to accept a loss, and negative emotions control their thinking. They cannot examine their own behavior, are unable to empathize with others and constantly blame everyone while refusing to accept any responsibility for problems which they often have caused.”

That description of a High Conflict Person should cause anyone who gets involved with one to ask themselves “Why am I with this head case?” But wait. It gets worse.

Hunter says that, “About 10 percent of the U.S. population has a high-conflict personality, and the chances are good, Dennis, that some of your readers will see they are in or have had a relationship with an HCP.” She lists characteristics an HCP reveals as early as the first date, pointing out they are:

(1) Overly charming, try to sell themselves, put on an amazing performance,
attempt to get too close, too soon. If you describe the person to others as
“Extremely charming,” this is a huge red flag to explore!

(2) Are often described as “Too-good-to-be-true.”

(3) Want to get sexual or sensual very quickly.

(4) Are overly compatible, like everything you like and go out of their way to please you. Victims state, “I never met someone who had all the same interests I had and did everything she could to please me! At first it was fabulous, and then the real person showed her face and it was pure evil!”

(5) Talk or reveal too much about themselves.

If any of this sounds familiar, to discover how to protect yourself or get away from an HCP, then “Dating Radar” will be the most valuable book you ever read.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post Are you dating a crazy? appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

March 5, 2016 • By Dennis Beaver

An increasing number of Americans today are online daters and many of us know someone who has found a spouse or is in a long-term relationship which began this way.

Washington, D.C.,-based Pew Research Center released a study finding that “Attitudes towards online dating are becoming more positive over time, but a significant percentage of the public views it skeptically.”

Santa Maria-based private detective Riley Parker agrees, and cautions that, “Before online transitions to going out on a real date, this is where you must be skeptical because you may not yet know who that person is in fact, only who they claim to be. As this is not like old-fashioned dating, you likely don’t know a thing about them with any degree of certainty. That means, you are at risk, emotionally, physically and financially.”

We asked Parker if he felt that dating — and establishing a relationship — was safer before the age of internet dating websites. “Yes, absolutely,” he replied, explaining two major differences in dating then and now.

“Then much of the risk in meeting the wrong kind of person had already been greatly reduced; You might have been classmates in high school or university, went to the same church, worked together, had the same hobby, and knew each other as friends well before any romantic interest developed.”

“However, the single most important difference today is the absence of friends who knew you both — and made the introduction. In modern terms, they had done the ‘vetting processes.” Interestingly, while private invetigators have always done backgrounds, before internet dating, it was rare to he hired to learn most of the things about a person that their friends, family and acquaintances already knew — and had communicated.

Today just about everyone has an online presence, “Which,” Parker observes, “is a door to discovery of what you want to know, and in some cases — if you’ve gotten too deep — what you wish had not learned. Often, the most challenging part of your research is in having proof of identity.

“Information contained in a passport, drivers license, the name on a business or credit card helps — but might not be conclusive — in establishing that the person’s real name. With what you have, the next steps are to:

Research their online presence using social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and others;

Observe how they conduct themselves with other people;

Learn who are their friends and contacts, both personal and professional.

But what if there are lingering doubts and you’re just not completely satisfied this person is who they claim to be?

“Then, research becomes even more personal, as you will need to contact some of these people yourself, or hire someone to determine who that person really is,” he notes.

“A Google search should reveal news stories, papers or articles they might have published, validate their educational claims and occupation, boards they sit on — in short, what they have done, where they’ve been, and likely, what others say about them. This will also help to locate family members — which is another area worthy of looking into if this relationship could become serious. Who and where are they? What are their occupations? Do they have a relationship with this person?”

Internet ads offer background and court record checks “In All 50 States.” But they can easily give a false sense of security if nothing negative show up, as Parker explains:

“None of the public access databases are accurate. More than half of the 44,000 courts in the United States do not report information to any data repository. In California, less than half of the 58 counties have ANY information available online.

“If you want to know if “J. Golo” has a record in Kings County, owns a home or homes, you probably need to know that his real name is “Jig Oh Low,” otherwise your research will fail.

“And if you want to know if he has a criminal record in San Luis Obispo County, you will need to hire a person to do that research. If your boyfriend was arrested there for spousal abuse, then you better know that “Oh” is his middle name and not try to find him unless you start with his correct first name.”

“A proper background, conducted by a licensed private investigator, has access to non-public data bases and sends investigators to actually search court records. The cost runs from $1,500 to $2,500,” Parker tells You and the Law.

That’s cheaper than a hospital bill or a cleaned out bank account.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post How can I find out who I’m dating? appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

Last time we told you about Hanford reader, Ted, just out of a 20-year marriage, lonely and looking for love on Plenty of Fish.com. Within minutes of logging on, he was contacted by Karen, also divorced, close to his age, and in Ted’s eyes, “very attractive.”

Karen was also a sociopath — a con artist — willing to do or say anything for the nice things that Ted’s money could buy.

“Anything? Is that what I think it means?” you might be wondering.

Within one week of their first meeting, Karen said, “Ted, we are meant for each other, and should be tested for sexually transmitted disease and see the results.”

Of course he couldn’t wait to comply, and was found disease-free.

“And her test results?” we asked.  “Oh, she told me her results were perfect.  But I didn’t see them. I trusted her,” was his response, and hearing that, the staff at You and the Law knew what would follow: a transfusion of sorts, a money transfusion, from Ted to Karen.  Ted had latched on to not just your ordinary gold-digger.

As a man with a backbone of Jell-O, Ted was soon possessed by a vampire.

Thousands on dining out, home improvement, medical bills and Pismo Beach

Over the next several months, as Ted’s infatuation grew, he would pay thousands of dollars on restaurants, improvements to her house, medical bills and accept frequent requests to “spend the weekend at Pismo Beach,” the last time so that he could “properly propose on the beach.”

She selected and he paid for an expensive engagement ring and then, immediately after that trip, out to dinner once more they went, Karen handing Ted a document to sign which contained this sentence:

 “The gift ring purchased is a love gift only, Karen may keep ring whether we marry or not. It is not an engagement ring.”

“She told me that if I did not sign the statement, we would break-up.  I did not want to lose her and reluctantly signed. Within a few days she made my life a living hell, bickering about everything and finally texted this message: “It’s all over. If you contact me I will call the police.”

The con forgot one detail

When a gift is made on condition of some event happening — such as getting married — if there is no marriage, in almost all cases, the gift must be returned. Where fraud can be established, courts will always order return of the ring and often, punitive damages.

 And that is where our charming, con-artist sealed her fate, for immediately before Ted was pressured to sign that statement, guess what Karen did?

“When the restaurant manager dropped by our table to say hi, she showed him the ring, saying that it was an engagement ring. He remembers that conversation, and will come to court to help me!”

We have encouraged our reader to file in Small Claims Court, seeking recovery of everything he paid for.

Of course, the real question boils down to, “How can the Teds of this world protect themselves?”

Perform your own due diligence

“The Internet allows you to perform a due diligence check,” advises Santa Maria based Private Investigator Riley Parker.

“Do they have a Facebook account?  Is there public information that you can look at? Type their name in a search engine. 75 percent of people will be there. You learn a lot about them in the community, what they do, their friends, interests, where they vacation.

“Go to the courthouse and see if there are civil, family law, criminal law records and a domestic restraining order.  Anyone can do this,” Parker stresses, adding, “But less than half of all California counties have this available to the general public.”

“A private investigator can legally find out an enormous amount about anyone for less than $100. Given a name and city, we can usually find the rest. With a good address, we can nail them down.  Think of the protection this provides — that small amount of money to learn who you are really seeing. This is not being disloyal!

“You have a duty to protect yourself and your family!” Parker correctly maintains.

Taking on a fatherly tone of voice, he gave this sound advice with which we at You and the Law completely agree:

“You don’t want someone you meet on line who then climbs in bed with you and tells you what size ring she wears. And you don’t want someone you meet at the local bar.

“So, rely on your social network of friends, place of worship, mutual acquaintances and work colleagues. The safest way to meet good people, is through an introduction from someone you know, trust and cares.”

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post How to not become a victim of the lonely hearts club appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

Recently divorced after a 20-year marriage, Ted was lonely.

At a friend’s suggestion, he registered on the dating website, Plenty of Fish.com. It was Dec. 7, a day which would become his very own Pearl Harbor.

Within minutes, he received a message from Karen, close to his age-early 50s-also divorced and “needing someone like me to establish a lasting relationship.”

While the skies above Hanford were clear that day, Ted had nevertheless become a target, not of Japanese Zeros, but dollar signs followed by ever increasing numbers and zeroes, Karen in the pilot’s seat.

“It was unbelievable.” Ted continued. “We spoke on the phone a couple of days and then met for pizza.  Here was someone who was everything that I was looking for and desperately needed. After our pizza date, we saw each other every day. She made me feel so special. I had never met anyone so interested in a guy like me, wanting to know everything about me.”

We would learn in a moment that “seeing each other,” meant just slightly more than talking about the weather.  During that first week, Karen asked our Hanford reader to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, insisting that she see the lab results.

He did, was disease free, and gave her the test results.

And her lab results? we inquired.

Oh, she had already been tested, and was also negative, but I did not see the results.

Didn’t you think that was strange?

“I trusted her,” was his answer.

As the staff at You and the Law would learn in our frustrating efforts to help Ted wake up — here was a naive, desperate man, lacking common sense and with a backbone made of Jell-O.

He became the perfect victim of a scheming sociopath and what would unfold over the next few months started with a steady diet of sex beginning 10 days from their first meeting, Karen wanting to spend every possible minute together.

Am I so special?

 “Let’s use our common sense,” warns Santa Maria based private investigator Riley Parker. “You do not know this person well and she’s climbing into your bed quickly. You have to ask yourself, ‘Am I so special that she wants me?’ ”

“The answer is No!”

“Sex is the sociopath’s lever to get their target’s compliance with whatever is desired: money, jewelry, gifts, fine dining, all depending on the target’s sophistication — the chance of the person being scammed finally realizing it,” Parker adds.

Over the next few months, Karen would receive expensive gifts, a great deal of repair work done on her house, hundreds of dollars in medical bills paid and many, many trips to Pismo Beach at her insistence.

Despite the fact that Karen’s behavior became increasingly hostile, admitting that she was on several medications for bad anxiety, and had wide, scary mood swings, six months into the relationship Ted asked her to be his wife!

“She insisted that I propose to her properly on the beach at Pismo, on bended knee, and hand me the engagement ring which she picked out and cost me over $5,500,” he meekly explained.

Within a week-after Ted suffered through repeated arguments and being called every name in the book — Karen sent him a text message, reading, “It’s over. If you contact me, I will call the police.”

And the engagement ring?

The law sees this as a “gift given in contemplation of marriage.”  So, no marriage, then the ring must be returned. Ted asked for it back.

But ever resourceful and evil, Karen had a plan for that, too.

You must mix skepticism with romance

“The most important thing to understand is that there are folks out there who are preyed on because they are lonely with some vision of what they would like to have existing in their life: A relationship, a replacement for someone they lost through death or divorce,” P.I. Parker observes.

“When targeting someone who has wealth, they will ask for a small amount of money. ‘Oh, I forgot my wallet, do you have 50 bucks?’ Quickly it will evolve to, ‘Gee I wish so much I could have that new Corvette, but it’s just not in my budget.’

“They think, ‘Here’s the guy who has made some money, and he will spend it on me. Look at me, I am one good looking dame,’ and this rich guy — often doctors — fall fast and are out a fortune. It happens often,” concluded P.I. Parker.

Next time: We will tell you all about that engagement ring and how to protect yourself or a family member from the Karens of the world, keeping far away from the clutches of a sociopath.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

The post Lonely? Looking for love online? Here’s what it cost Ted appeared first on Dennis Beaver.

February 20, 2016 • By Dennis Beaver

Today’s story will be of special interest to anyone who is or who knows someone in a dating relationship which began online and led to personally meeting. We begin with “Three of the most important questions which must be credibly answered,” according to Santa Maria-based private detective, Riley Parker:

(1) Who am I dating?

(2) Beyond what they say, who are they, really?

(3) How can I find out?

“I Need You to Grill My Boyfriend”

At a New Year’s Eve party this past December, Jill — 36, a longtime family friend, very attractive and a highly successful architect from a wealthy family — had a request:

“I need you to grill my boyfriend. You have a way of getting people to open up about their entire lives. His name is Glen. We met online a few months ago. He lives in a different state, and we have been Skyping. When work brings him here, we spend time together, but it’s only been three times in six months, a few days each visit.

“Glen is 44, never married, and made it clear that he is seriously interested in me and wants to be married. I had two very close relationships which did not work out, and admit, at my age of 36, I’m am very worried about being alone. I really like him. He’s a lot of fun to be around, always happy and says that he will move here, but I just don’t know what to do. So, Dennis, I need your insight.”

In my lengthy conversation with Glen, at once three things became clear:

(1) He is 44, yet never had a truly positive, close relationship, “jilted by women who took advantage” of him. However, “With Jill it’s different.” Anytime we began getting close to meaningful views on life, he elegantly changed subjects, never revealing anything of a personal nature except that he felt Jill was “the one.”

(2) Glen was always smiling — to everyone — even when the topic was serious. He was the very definition of permagrin.

(3) In response to “So, how did you two meet?” his answer perpetuated the same lie that Jill had told her parents: “Through friends here in town.”

Jill explained that not telling mom and dad about meeting on line was, “Because they are from a different generation and would not understand.” As both are highly educated, work in finance and are in their late 50s, there is no way they could not have heard about online dating.

“Let’s see,” Parker commented, “He’s 44 and never had a close emotional relationship? How can that possibly be? And now, Jill is the one? Does the fact that she is highly successful and her family wealthy have anything to do with it? Moving this fast in a relationship where they have spent such a short amount of time together has all the alarms flashing Caution! You Do Not Know Who This Guy Is!

“Dennis, you have described someone who could very well be a con artist, believing that he can fool anyone. Your conversation was the time for him to be completely open and honest, because he had to assume that you would report your findings to Jill. If anything, he

“He was complicit in a lie to her parents, so what else will he lie about? He could have explained Jill’s reason to lie to her parents about how they met — but he never suspected that you knew the truth. If she hasn’t been drawn in too deeply yet, that one piece of evidence should be enough to scare her.

“She needs to realize that if he is willing to lie about a little thing — how they met — then he will lie about anything,” Parker notes, adding, “As they met online, this is the place for her to begin finding out as much as she can about Glen. Anyone in her position has something to lose, therefore Jill needs to determine:

(1) What is the true motive? Isn’t this moving too fast?

(2) What role did he play in his prior, failed relationships where he was “jilted?” For con men, it is always the other person’s fault, so ask, ‘What part did you play in them failing?’ Con artists find women who provide them a lifestyle, drain them dry and then move on to the next victim.

(3) Life is not all smiles or fun. A permagrin has lots to hide. What, if anything, is Glen hiding?

They met online, and that’s the place where Jill can begin her research. Next time, Parker tells us how to begin, where to look, and when to consider hiring a private investigator. 

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield and enjoys hearing from his readers. Contact Dennis Beaver.

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